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lindo jong
my daughter wao go to a for her sed honeyon, but now she is afraid.
&a;a;a;quot;what if i blend in so well they think ione of the&a;a;a;quot; waverly asked . &a;a;a;quot;what if they doe back to the uates?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;when you go to a,&a;a;a;quot; i told her, &a;a;a;quot;you dont eveo open your uth. they already know you are an outsider.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;what are you talking about?&a;a;a;quot; she asked. my daughter likes to speak back. she likes to question what i say.
&a;a;a;quot;aii-ya,&a;a;a;quot; i said. &a;a;a;quot;even if you put on their clothes, even if you take off your keup and hide your fancy jewelry, they know. they know just watg the way you walk, the way you carry your face. they know you do not belong.&a;a;a;quot;
my daughter did not look pleased when i told her this, that she didnt look ese. she had a sour ari look on her faaybe ten years ago, she would have clapped her hands—hurray!—as if this were good news. but now she wants to be ese, it is so fashionable. and i know it is too late. all those years i tried to teach her! she followedese ways only until she learned how to walk out the door by herself and go to school. so now the only ese words shesay are sh-sh, houche, chr fan, and gwan deng shweijyau. howshe talk to people in a with these words? pee-pee, choo-choo trai, close light sleep. howshe think sheblend in? only her skin and her hair are ese. inside—she is all ari-de.
itsfault she is this way. i wantedchildren to have the best bination: ari circutances and ese character. hould i know these two things do not x?
i taught her how ari circutances work. if you are born poor here, its no lasting sha. you are first in line for a scholarship. if the roof crashes on your head, o cry over this bad luck. yousue anybody, ke the landlord fix it. you do not have to sit like a buddha under a tree letting pigeons drop their dirty business on your head. youbuy an urella. o inside a catholic church. in ariobody says you have to keep the circutances sobody else gives you.
she learhese things, but uldnt teach her about ese character. how to obey parents and listen to your thers nd. how not to show your own thoughts, to put your feelings behind your face so youtake advantage of hidden opportunities. why easy things are not worth pursuing. how to know your own worth and polish it, never flashing it around like a cheap ring. why ese thinking is best.
no, this kind of thinking didnt stick to her. she was too busy chewing gu blowing bubbles bigger than her cheeks. only that kind of thinking stuck.
&a;a;a;quot;finish youffee,&a;a;a;quot; i told her yesterday. &a;a;a;quot;dont throw your blessings away.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;dont be so old-fashioned, ma,&a;a;a;quot; she told , finishing heffee down the sink. &a;a;a;quot;i own person.&a;a;a;quot;
and i think, howshe be her own person? when did i give her up?
my daughter is getting rried a sed ti. so she askedto go to her beauty parlor, her faus mr. rory. i know her aning. she is ashad oflooks. what will her husbands parents and his iortant lawyer friends think of this backward old ese won?
&a;a;a;quot;auntie an-icut ,&a;a;a;quot; i say.
&a;a;a;quot;rory is faus,&a;a;a;quot; saysdaughter, as if she had no ears. &a;a;a;quot;he does fabulous work.&a;a;a;quot;
so i sit in mr. rorys chair. he pusup and down until i athe right height. thendaughter criticizesas if i were not there. &a;a;a;quot;see how its flat on one side,&a;a;a;quot; she auseshead. &a;a;a;quot;she needs a cut and a per and this purple tint in her hair, shes been doing it at ho. shes never had anything professionally done.&a;a;a;quot;
she is looking at mr. rory in the rror. he is looking atin the rror. i have seen this professional look before. aris dont really look at one another when talking. they talk to their refles. they look at others or theelves only whehink nobody is watg. so they never see how they really look. they see theelves sling without their uth open, or turo the side where they ot see their faults.
&a;a;a;quot;how does she want it?&a;a;a;quot; asked mr. rory. he thinks i do not uand engli&a;a;lt;u&a;a;gt;.&a;a;lt;/u&a;a;gt;sh. he is floating his fihroughhair. he is showing how his gi kehair thicker and longer.
&a;a;a;quot;ma, how do you want it?&a;a;a;quot; why doesdaughter think she is translating english for ? before ieven speak, she explainsthoughts: &a;a;a;quot;she wants a soft wave. we probably shouldnt cut it too short. otherwise itll be too tight for the wedding. she doesnt want it to look kinky or weird.&a;a;a;quot;
and now she says toin a loud voice, as if i had losthearing, &a;a;a;quot;isnt that right, ma? not too tight?&a;a;a;quot;
i sle. i useari face. thats the face aris think is ese, the ohey ot uand. but inside i abeing ashad. i aashad she is ashad. because she isdaughter and i aproud of her, and i aher ther but she is not proud of .
mr. rory patshair re. he looks at . he looks atdaughter. then he says sothing todaughter that really displeases her: &a;a;a;quot;its uny how ch you two look alike!&a;a;a;quot;
i sle, this ti withese face. butdaughters eyes and her sle bee very narrow, the way a cat pulls itself sll just before it bites. now mr. roes away so wethink about this. i hear hisnap his fingers, &a;a;a;quot;wash! mrs. jong is !&a;a;a;quot;
sodaughter and i are alone in this crowded beauty parlor. she is frowning at herself in the rror. she seeslooking at her.
&a;a;a;quot;the sa cheeks,&a;a;a;quot; she says, she points to ne and then pokes her cheeks. she sucks theoutside in to look like a starved person. she puts her faext to ne, side by side, and we look at each other in the rror.
&a;a;a;quot;yousee your character in your face,&a;a;a;quot; i say todaughter without thinking. &a;a;a;quot;yousee your future.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;what do you an?&a;a;a;quot; she says.
and now i have to fight backfeelings. these two faces, i think, so ch the sa! the sa happiness, the sa sadness, the sa good fortuhe sa faults.
i aseeing self andther, ba a, when i was a young girl.
my ther—yrandther—oold fortune, howcharacteuld lead to good and bad circutances. she was sitting at her table with the big rror. i was standing behind her, resting on her shoulder. theday was the start of the new year. i would be ten years byese age, so it was an iortant birthday for . for this reason ybe she did not criticizetoo ch. she was looking atface.
she touchedear. &a;a;a;quot;you are lucky,&a;a;a;quot; she said. &a;a;a;quot;you haveears, a big thick lobe, lots of at at the botto full of blessings. so people are born so poor. their ears are so thin, so close to their head, they ever hear luck calling to the you have the right ears, but you st listen to your opportunities.&a;a;a;quot;
she rahin finger downnose. &a;a;a;quot;you havehe hole is not too big, so your ney will not be running out. the nose is straight and soth, a good sign. a girl with a crooked nose is bound for sfortune. she is always following the wrong things, the wrong people, the worst luck.&a;a;a;quot;
she tapped and then hers. &a;a;a;quot;not too short, not too long. our loy will be adequate, not cut off too soon, not so long we bee a burden.&a;a;a;quot;
she pushedhair away fro forehead. &a;a;a;quot;we are the sa,&a;a;a;quot; cludedther. &a;a;a;quot;perhaps your forehead is wider, so you will be even re clever. and your hair is thick, the hairline is low on your forehead. this ans you will have so hardships in your early life. this happeo . but look athairline now. high! such a blessing forold age. later you will learn to worry and lose your hair, too.&a;a;a;quot;
she took in her hand. she turnedface toward her, eyes fag eyes. she vedface to one side, theher. &a;a;a;quot;the eyes are ho, eager,&a;a;a;quot; she said. &a;a;a;quot;they followand show respect. they do not look down in sha. they do not resist and turn the opposite way. you will be a good wife, ther, and daughter-in-la;quot;
whenther toldthese things, i was still so young. and even though she said we looked the sa, i wao look re the sa. if her eye went up and looked surprised, i wantedeye to do the sa. if her uth fell down and was unhappy, i too wao feel unhappy.
i was so ch likether. this was before our circutances separated us: a flood that causedfaly to leavebehind,first rriage to a faly that did not want , a war froall sides, and later, ahat tookto a ry. she did not see howface ged over the years. howuth began to droop. how i began to worry but still did not losehair. howeyes began to follow the ari way. she did not see that i twistednose boung forward on a crowded bus in san franc. your father and i, we were on our way to church to give ny thanks to god for all our blessings, but i had to subtrae fornose.
its hard to keep your ese fa arica. at the beginning, before i even arrived, i had to hidetrue self. i paid an ari-raised ese girl in peking to showhow.
&a;a;a;quot;in arica,&a;a;a;quot; she said, &a;a;a;quot;you ot say you want to live there forever. if you are ese, you st say you adre their schools, their ways of thinking. you st say you want to be a scholar and e back to teach ese people what you have learned.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;what should i say i want to learn?&a;a;a;quot; i asked. &a;a;a;quot;if they askquestions, if i ot answer…&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quion, you st say you want to study religion,&a;a;a;quot; said this srt girl. &a;a;a;quot;aris all have different ideas abion, so there are nht and wrong answers. say to the igoing fods sake, and they will respect you.&a;a;a;quot;
for another suof his girl gavea forfilled out with english words. i had tpy these words over and ain as if they were english words ford fro own head. o the word name, i wrote lindo suo the word birthdate, i wrote may 11, 1918, which this girl insisted was the sa as three nths after the ese lunar new year. o the word birthplace, i put down taiyuan, a. ao the word occupation, i wrote student of theology.
i gave the girl even re ney for a list of addresses in san franc, people with big es. and finally, this girl gave , free of charge, instrus fingcircutances. &a;a;a;quot;first,&a;a;a;quot; she said, &a;a;a;quot;you st find a husband. an ari citizen is best.&a;a;a;quot;
she sawsurprise and quickly added, &a;a;a;quot;ese! ourse, he st be ese. citizen does not an caucasian. but if he is not a citizen, you should iediately do wo. see here, you should have a baby. birl, it doesnt tter ies. her will take care of you in your old age, isnt that true?&a;a;a;quot; ah laughed.
&a;a;a;quot;be careful, though,&a;a;a;quot; she said. &a;a;a;quot;the authorities there will ask you if you have children now or if you are thinking of having so. you st say no. you should look sincere and say you are not rried, you are religious, you know it is wrong to have a baby.&a;a;a;quot;
i st have looked puzzled, because she explained further: &a;a;a;quot;look here now, howan unborn baby know what it is not supposed to do? and o has arrived, it is an ari citizen anddo anything it wants. itask its ther to stay. isnt that true?&a;a;a;quot;
but that is not the reason i uzzled. i wondered why she said i should look sincere. hould i look any other way when telling the truth?
see how truthfulface still looks. why didnt i give this look to you? why do you always tell your friends that i arrived ies on a slow boat froa? this is not true. i was not that poor. i took a plane. i had saved the neyfirst husbands faly gavewhen they sentaway. and i had saved ney fro twelve years work as a telephone operator. but it is true i did not take the fastest plahe plaook three weeks. it stopped everywhere: hong kong, vietna the philippines, hawaii. so by the ti i arrived, i did not look sincerely glad to be here.
why do you always tell people that i t your father ihay house, that i broke open a fortunokie and it said i would rry a dark, handso stranger, and that when i looked up, there he was, the waiter, your father. why do you ke this joke? this is not sihis was not true! your father was not a waiter, i e in that restaurant. the cathay house had a sign that said &a;a;a;quot;ese food,&a;a;a;quot; so only aris went there before it was torn down. now it is a malds restaurant with a big ese sign that says i dong lou—&a;a;a;quot;wheat,&a;a;a;quot; &a;a;a;quot;east,&a;a;a;quot; &a;a;a;quot;building.&a;a;a;quot; all nonsense. why are you attracted only to ese nonsense? you st uandreal circutances, how i arrived, how i rried, how i lostese face, why you are the way you are.
when i arrived, nobody askedquestions. the authorities looked atpapers and staedin. i decided to go first to a san franc address given toby this girl in peking. the bus putdown on a wide street with cable cars. this was california street. i walked up this hill and then i saw a tall building. this was old st. marys. uhe church sign, in handwritten ese characters, soone had added: &a;a;a;quot;a ese cereny to save ghosts frospiritual u 7 a.m. and 8:30 a.m.&a;a;a;quot; i rized this infortion in case the authorities askedwhere i worshippedreligion. and then i saw ann across the street. it ainted oside of a short building: &a;a;a;quot;save today for torrow, at bank of arica.&a;a;a;quot; and i thought to self, this is where ari people worship. see, even then i was not so du! today that church is the sa size, but where that short bank used to be, now there is a tall building, fifty stories high, where you and your husband-to-be work and look down on everybody.
my daughter laughed when i said this. her therke a good joke.
so i kept walking up this hill. i saw two pagodas, one on each side of the street, as though they were the entrao a great buddha tele. but when i looked carefully, i saw the pagoda was really just a building topped with stacks of tile roofs, no walls, nothing else us head. i was surprised how they tried to ke everything look like an old ierial city or an eerors to. but if you looked oher side of these pretend-pagodas, yould see the streets beca narrow and crowded, dark, and dirty. i thought to self, why did they choose only the worst ese parts for the inside? why didnt they build gardens and ponds instead? oh, here and there was the look of a faus a cave or a ese opera. but i was always the sa cheap stuff.
so by the ti i found the address the girl in peking gave , i knew not to expeuch. the address was a large green building, so noisy, children running up and dowside stairs and hallways. inside nuer 402, i found an old won who toldright away she had wasted her ti waiting forall week. she quickly wrote down so addresses and gave theto , keeping her hand out after i took the paper. so i gave her an ari dollar and she looked at it and said, &a;a;a;quot;syaujye&a;a;a;quot;—miss—&a;a;a;quot;we are in ariow. even a beggarstarve on this dollar.&a;a;a;quot; so i gave her another dollar and she said, &a;a;a;quot;aii, you think it is so easy getting this infortion?&a;a;a;quot; so i gave her another and she closed her hand and her uth.
with the addresses this old won gave , i found a cheap apartnt on washington street. it was like all the other places, sitting on top of a little store. and through this three-dollar list, i found a terrible job payingseventy-five ts an hour. oh, i tried to get a job as a salesgirl, but you had to know english for that. i tried for another job as a ese hostess, but they also wantedto rubhands up and down fn n, and i knew right away this was as bad as fourth-class prostitutes in a! so i rubbed that address out with blak. and so of the other jobs required you to have a special relationship. they were jobs held by falies froton and toishan and the four districts, southern people who had any years ago to ke their fortune and were still holding onto thewith the hands of their great-grandchildren.
sother was right abouthardships. this job in thokie factory was one of the worst. big black es worked all day and night p little pancakes onto ving round griddles. the other won and i sat on high stools, and as the little pancakes went by, we had to grab theoff the hot griddle just as they turned golden. we would put a strip of paper ier, then fold thokie in half and bend its ar back just as it turned hard. if you grabbed the paoo soon, you would burn your fingers o, wet dough. but if you grabbed too late, thokie would harden before yould evehe first bend. and then you had to throw these stakes in a barrel, which ted against you because the owneuld sell those only as scraps.
after the first day, i suffered ten red fingers. this was not a job for a stupid person. you had to learn fast or your fingers would turn into fried sausages. so theday onlyeyes burned, froaking theoff the pancakes. and the day after that,ar ached froholding theout ready to catch the pa just the right nt. but by the end offirst week, it beca ndless work and uld relax enough to notice who else was w on each side of . one was an older won who never sled and spoke to herself in tonese when she was angry. she talked like a crazy person. onother side was a won aroundage. her barrel tained very few stakes. but i suspected she ate the she was quite plu.
&a;a;a;quot;eh, syaujye,&a;a;a;quot; she called toover the loud noise of the es. i was grateful to hear her voice, to dver we both spoke mandarin, although her dialect waarse-sounding. &a;a;a;quot;did you ever think you would be so powerful yould deterne soone elses fortune?&a;a;a;quot; she asked.
i didnt uand what she ant. so she picked up one of the strips of paper and read it aloud, first in english: &a;a;a;quot;do not fight and air your dirty laundry in public. to the victo the soils.&a;a;a;quot; theranslated in ese: &a;a;a;quot;you shouldnt fight and do your laundry at the sa ti. if you win, your clothes will get dirty.&a;a;a;quot;
i still did not know what she ant. so she picked up another one and read in english: &a;a;a;quot;money is the root of all evil. look around you and dig deep.&a;a;a;quot; and then in ese: &a;a;a;quot;money is a bad influence. you bee restless and rob graves.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;what is this nonsense?&a;a;a;quot; i asked her, putting the strips of paper inpocket, thinking i should study these classical ari sayings.
&a;a;a;quot;they are fortunes,&a;a;a;quot; she explained. &a;a;a;quot;ari people think ese people write these sayings.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;but we never say such things!&a;a;a;quot; i said. &a;a;a;quot;these things dont ke sehese are not fortuhey are bad instrus.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;no, miss,&a;a;a;quot; she said, laughing, &a;a;a;quot;it is our bad fortuo be here king these and sobody elses bad fortuo pay to get the&a;a;a;quot;
so that is how i t an-i hsu. yes, yes, auntie an-i, now so old-fashioned. an-i and i still laugh over those bad fortunes and how they later beca quite useful in helpich a husband.
&a;a;a;quot;eh, lindo,&a;a;a;quot; an-i said toone day at our workplace. &a;a;a;quot;e tochurch this sunday. my husband has a friend who is looking food ese wife. he is not a citizen, but isure he knows how to ke one.&a;a;a;quot; so that is how i first heard about tin jong, your father. it was not likefirst rriage, where everything was arranged. i had a choice. uld choose to rry your father, or uld choose not to rry hiand go back to a.
i knew sothing was nht when i saw hi he was tonese! hould ahink uld rry such a person? but she just said: &a;a;a;quot;we are not in a anyre. you dont have to rry the village boy. here everybody is now frothe sa village even if they e frodifferent parts of a.&a;a;a;quot; see how ged auntie an-i is frothose old days.
so we were shy at first, your father and i, her of us able to speak to each other in our ese dialects. we went to english class together, speaking to each other in those new words and sotis taking out a piece of paper to write a ese character to show what we ant. at least we had that, a piece of paper to hold us together. but its hard to tell soones rriage iions when you t say things aloud. all those little signs—the teasing, the bossy,lding words—thats how you know if it is serious. but wuld talk only in the nner of lish teacher. i see cat. i see rat. i see hat.
but i saw soon enough how ch your father liked . he &a;a;lt;rk&a;a;gt;&a;a;lt;/rk&a;a;gt;would pretend he was in a ese play to showwhat he ant. he ran bad forth, jued up and down, pulling his fihrough his hair, so i knew—ngjile!—what a busy, exg place this pacific telephone was, this place where he worked. you didnt know this about your father—that huld be such a good actor? you didnt know your father had so ch hair?
oh, i found out later his job was not the way he decribed it. it was not so good. even today, now that ispeak too your father, i always ask hiwhy he doesnt find a better situation. but he acts as if we were in those old days, when huldnt uand anything i said.
sotis i wonder why i wao catch a rriage with your father. i think an-i put the thought innd. she said, &a;a;a;quot;in the vies, boys and girls are alassing notes in class. thats how they fall into trouble. you o start trouble to get this n to realize his iions. otherwise, you will be an old lady before it es to his nd.&a;a;a;quot;
that evening an-i and i went to work and searched through strips of fortunokie papers, trying to find the right instrus to give to your father. an-i read thealoud, putting aside ohat ght work: &a;a;a;quot;diands are a girls best friend. dont ever settle for a pal.&a;a;a;quot; &a;a;a;quot;if such thoughts are in your head, its ti to be wed.&a;a;a;quot; &a;a;a;quot;fucius say a won is worth a thousand words. tell your wife shes used up her total.&a;a;a;quot;
we laughed over those. but i khe right one when i read it. it said: &a;a;a;quot;a house is not ho when a spouse is not at ho.&a;a;a;quot; i did not laugh. i ed up this saying in a pancake, bending thokie with allheart.
after school theafternoon, i puthand inpurse and then de a look, as if a use had bittenhand. &a;a;a;quot;whats this?&a;a;a;quot; i cried. then i pulled out thokie and ha to your father. &a;a;a;quot;eh! so nokies, just to see thekessick. you take thiokie.&a;a;a;quot;
i knew even then he had a nature that did not waste anything. he opehokie and he ched it in his uth, and thehe piece of paper.
&a;a;a;quot;what does it say?&a;a;a;quot; i asked. i tried to act as if it did not tter. and wheill did not speak, i said, &a;a;a;quot;translate, please.&a;a;a;quot;
we were walking in portsuth square and already the fog had blown in and i was verld inthiat. so i hoped your father would hurry and askto rry hi but instead, he kept his serious look and said, &a;a;a;quot;i dont know this word spouse. tonight i will look indiary. then itell you the aning torro;quot;
theday he askedin english, &a;a;a;quot;lindo,you spouse ?&a;a;a;quot; and i laughed at hiand said he used that word rrectly. so he ca bad de a fucius joke, that if the words were wrong, then his iions st also be wrong. welded and joked with each other all day long like this, and that how we decided to get rried.
one nth later we had a cereny in the first ese baptist church, where we t. and nine nths later your father and i had our proof of citizenship, a baby boy, y brother winston. i nad hiwinston because i liked the aning of those two words &a;a;a;quot;wins ton.&a;a;a;quot; i wao raise a son who would win ny things, praise, ney, a good life. back then, i thought to self, at last i have everything i wanted. i was so happy, i didnt see we were poor. i saw only what we had. how did i know winston would die later in a car act? so young! only sixteen!
two years after winston was born, i had your other brother, vi. i nad hivi, which sounds like &a;a;a;quot;;quot; the sound of king ney, because i was beginning to think we did not have enough. and then i buednose riding on the bus. soon after that you were born.
i dont know what causedto ge. maybe it wascrooked hat dagedthinking. maybe it was seeing you as a baby, how you looked so ch like , and this dedissatisfied withlife. i wanted everything for you to be better. i wanted you to have the best circutahe best character. i didnt want you tret anything. and thats why i nad you waverly. it was the na of the street we lived on. and i wanted you to think, this is where i belong. but i also knew if i nad you after this street, soon you would grow up, leave this place, and take a piee with you.
mr. rory is brushinghair. everything is soft. everything is black.
&a;a;a;quot;you look great, ma,&a;a;a;quot; saysdaughter. &a;a;a;quot;everyo the wedding will think youresister.&a;a;a;quot;
i look atfa the beauty parlor rror. i seerefle. i ot seefaults, but i know they are there. i gavedaughter these faults. the sa eyes, the sa cheeks, the sa . her character, it ca fro circutances. i look atdaughter and now it is the first ti i have seen it.
&a;a;a;quot;ai-ya! what happeo your nose?&a;a;a;quot;
she looks in the rror. she sees nothing wrong. &a;a;a;quot;what do you an? nothing happened,&a;a;a;quot; she says. &a;a;a;quot;its just the sa nose.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;but how did you get it crooked?&a;a;a;quot; i ask. one side of her nose is bending lower, dragging her cheek with it.
&a;a;a;quot;what do you an?&a;a;a;quot; she asks. &a;a;a;quot;its your nose. you gavethis nose.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;howthat be? its drooping. you st get plastic surgery anrrect it.&a;a;a;quot;
butdaughter has no ears forwords. she puts her sling faext toworried one. &a;a;a;quot;dont be silly. our nose isnt so bad,&a;a;a;quot; she says. &a;a;a;quot;it kes us look devious.&a;a;a;quot; she looks pleased.
&a;a;a;quot;what is this word, devious, &a;a;a;quot; i ask.
&a;a;a;quot;it ans were looking one way, while following another. were for one side and also the other. we an what we say, but our iions are different.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;peoplesee this in our face?&a;a;a;quot;
my daughter laughs. &a;a;a;quot;well, not everything that were thinking. they just know were two-faced.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;this is good?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;this is good if you get what you want.&a;a;a;quot;
i think about our two faces. i think aboutiions. whie is ari? whie is ese? whie is better? if you show one, you st always sacrifice the other.
it is like what happened when i went back to a last year, after i had not been there for alst forty years. i had taken offfancy jewelry. i did not wear loulors. i spoke their language. i used their local ney. but still, they khey knewface was not one hundred pert ese. they still chargedhigh fn prices.
so now i think, what did i lose? what did i get ba return? i will askdaughter what she thinks.
double fabsp;up
a pair of tickets
jing-mei woo
the nute our train leaves the hong kong border aers shenzhen, a, i feel different. ifeel the skin onforehead tingling,blood rushing through a neurse,bones ag with a faliar old pain. and i think, my ther was right. i abeing ese.
&a;a;a;quot;ot be helped,&a;a;a;quot;ther said when i was fifteen and had vigorously dehat i had any ese whatsoever belowskin. i hore at galileo high in san franc, and allcaucasian friends agreed: i was about as ese as they were. butther had studied at a faus nursing school in shanghai, and she said she knew all about geics. so there was no doubt in her nd, whether i agreed or not: once you are born ese, you ot help but feel and think ese.
&a;a;a;quot;soday you will see,&a;a;a;quot; saidther. &a;a;a;quot;it is in your blood, waiting to be let go.&a;a;a;quot;
and when she said this, i saw self transf like a werewolf, a tant tag of dna suddenly triggered, replig itself insidiously into a syndro, a cluster of telltale ese behaviors, all those thingsther did to earrass —haggling with store owners, peg her uth with a toothpi public, beinlor-blind to the fact that len yelloale pink are not good binations for winter clothes.
but today i realize ive never really known what it ans to be ese. i athirty-six years old. my ther is dead and i aon a train, carrying withher drea of ing ho. i agoing to a.
we are first going to guangzhou,seventy-two-year-old father, ing woo, and i, where we will visit his aunt, whohe has not seen since he was ten years old. and i dont know whether its the prospect of seeing his aunt or if its because hes ba a, but now he looks like hes a young boy, so i and happy i want to button his sweater and pat his head. we are sitting across froeach other, separated by a little table with twld cups of tea. for the first ti iever reer,father has tears in his eyes, and all he is seeing out the train window is a seed field of yellow, green, and brown, a narrow al flanking the tracks, low rising hills, and three people in blue jackets riding an ox-driven cart on this early octoberand i t help self. i also have sty eyes, as if i had seen this a long, long ti ago, and had alst fotten.
ihan three hours, we will be in guangzhou, whichguidebook tellsis how one properly refers to ton these days. it see all the cities i have heard of, except shanghai, have ged their spellings. i think they are saying a has ged in other ways as well. gking is gqing. and kweilin is guilin. i have looked these nas up, because after we seefathers aunt in guangzhou, we will catch a plao shanghai, where i will ettwo half-sisters for the first ti.
they arethers twin daughters froher first rriage, little babies she was forced to abandon on a road as she was fleeing kweilin fking in 1944. that was allther had toldabout these daughters, so they had reined babies innd, all these years, sitting on the side of a road, listening to bos whistling in the distance while sug their patiehus.
and it was only this year that soone found theand wrote with this joyful news. a letter ca froshanghai, addressed tother. when i first heard about this, that they were alive, i iginedidentical sisters transf frolittle babies into six-year-old girls. innd, they were seated o each other at a table, taking turns with the fountain pen. one would write arow of characters:dearest ma. we are alive. she would brush back her wispy bangs and hand the other sister the pen, and she would write:e get us. please hurry.
ourse theuld not know thatther had died three nths before, suddenly, when a blood vessel in her brain burst. one nute she was talking tofather, plaining about the tenants upstairs, scheng how to evict theuhe pretehat relatives froa were ving in. thenute she was holding her head, her eyes squeezed shut, groping for the sofa, and then cruling softly to the floor with fluttering hands.
sofather had been the first oo opeter, a loer it turned out. and they did call her ma. they said they always revered her as their true ther. they kept a frad picture of her. they told her about their life, frothe tither last saw theon the road leaving kweilin to when they were finally found.
and the letter had brokenfathers heart so ch—these daughters callingther froanother life he never khat he gave the letter tothers old friend auntie lindo and asked her to write bad tellsisters, in the ge ossible, thatther was dead.
but instead auntie lindo took the letter to the joy luck club and discussed with auntie ying and auntie an-i what should be done, because they had known for ny years aboutthers search for her twin daughters, her endless hope. auntie lindo and the others cried over this double tragedy, of losingther three nths before, and now again. and so theuldnt help but think of so racle, so possible way of reviving her frothe dead, sotheuld fulfill her drea
so this is what they wrote tosisters in shanghai: &a;a;a;quot;dearest daughters, i too have never fotten you inry or inheart. i never gave up hope that we would see each ain in a joyous reunion. i aonly sorry it has been too long. i want to tell you everything aboutlife since i last saw you. i want to tell you this when our faly es to see you in a….&a;a;a;quot; they sig withthers na.
it wasnt until all this had been dohat they first toldaboutsisters, the letter they received, the ohey wrote back.
&a;a;a;quot;theyll think shes ing, then,&a;a;a;quot; i rred. and i had iginedsisters now being ten or eleven, juing up and down, holding hands, their pigtails boued that their ther—their ther—was ing, whereasther was dead.
&a;a;a;quot;howyou say she is not ing in a letter?&a;a;a;quot; said auntie lindo. &a;a;a;quot;she is their ther. she is your ther. you st be the oo tell the all these years, they have been dreang of her.&a;a;a;quot; and i thought she was right.
but then i started dreang, too, ofther andsisters and how it would be if i arrived in shanghai. all these years, while they waited to be found, i had lived withther and then had lost her. i igined seeingsisters at the airport. they would be standing oiptoes, looking anxiously, sing froone dark head to another as we got off the plane. and i would reize theinstantly, their faces with the identical worried look.
&a;a;a;quot;jyejye, jyejye. sister, sister. we are here,&a;a;a;quot; i saw self saying inpoor version of ese.
&a;a;a;quot;where is ma?&a;a;a;quot; they would say, and look around, still sling, two flushed and eager faces. &a;a;a;quot;is she hiding?&a;a;a;quot; and this would have been likether, to stand behind just a bit, to tease a little and ke peoples patience pull a little on their hearts. i would shakehead and tellsisters she was not hiding.
&a;a;a;quot;oh, that st be ma, no?&a;a;a;quot; one ofsisters would whisper excitedly, pointing to another sll letely engulfed in a tower of presents. and that, too, would have been likether, t untains of gifts, food, and toys for children—all bought on sale—shunning thanks, saying the gifts were nothing, and later turning the labels over to showsisters, &a;a;a;quot;calvin klein, 100% wool.&a;a;a;quot;
i igined self starting to say, &a;a;a;quot;sisters, i asorry, i have e alone…&a;a;a;quot; and before uld tell thetheuld see it inface—they were wailing, pulling their hair, their lips twisted in pain, as they ran away fro. and then i saw self getting ba the plane and ing ho.
after i had dread this se ny tis—watg their despair turn frohorror into anger—i begged auntie lindo to write another letter. and at first she refused.
&a;a;a;quot;howi say she is dead? i ot write this,&a;a;a;quot; said auntie lindo with a stubborn look.
&a;a;a;quot;but its cruel to have thebelieve shes ing on the plane,&a;a;a;quot; i said. &a;a;a;quot;when they see its just , theyll hate .&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;hate you? ot be.&a;a;a;quot; she waswling. &a;a;a;quot;you are their own sister, their only faly.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;you dont uand,&a;a;a;quot; i protested.
&a;a;a;quot;what i dont uand?&a;a;a;quot; she said.
and i whispered, &a;a;a;quot;theyll think iresponsible, that she died because i didnt appreciate her.&a;a;a;quot;
and auntie lindo looked satisfied and sad at the sa ti, as if this were true and i had finally realized it. she sat down for an hour, and wheood up she handeda two-page letter. she had tears in her eyes. i realized that the very thing i had feared, she had done. so even if she had written the news ofthers death in english, i wouldnt have had the heart to read it.
&a;a;a;quot;thank you,&a;a;a;quot; i whispered.
the landscape has bee gray, filled with low flat t buildings, old factories, and then tracks and re tracks filled with trains like ours passing by in the opposite dire. i see platfor crowded with people wearing drab western clothes, with spots hlors: little children wearing pink and yellow, red and peach. and there are soldiers in olive green and red, and old ladies in gray tops and pants that stop d-calf. we are in guangzhou.
before the train eveo a stop, people are bringing down their belongings froabove their seats. for a nt there is a dangerous shower of heavy suitcases laden with gifts to relatives, half-broken boxes ed in les of string to keep the tents frospilling out, plastic bags filled with yarn aables and packages of dried shroo, and cara cases. and then we are caught in a streaof people rushing, shoving, pushing us along, until we find ourselves in one of a dozen lines waiting to gh s. i feel as if i were getting on the nuer 30 sto bus in san franc. i ain a, i rend self. and sohow the crowds dont bother . it feels right. i start pushing too.
i take out the declaration for andpassport. &a;a;a;quot;woo,&a;a;a;quot; it says at the top, and below that, &a;a;a;quot;june may,&a;a;a;quot; who was born in &a;a;a;quot;california, u.s.a.,&a;a;a;quot; in 1951. i wonder if the s people will questioher ithe sa person as in the passport photo. in this picture,-length hair is swept bad artfully styled. i awearing false eyelashes, eye shadow, and lip liner. my cheeks are hollowed out by bronze blusher. but i had not expected the heat in october. and nowhair hangs li with the hudity. i wear no keup; in hong kongscara had lted into dark circles and everything else had felt like layers of grease. so todayface is plain, unadorned except for a thin st of shiny sweat onforehead and nose.
even without keup, uld never pass for true ese. i stand five-foot-six, andhead pokes above the crowd so that i aeye level only with other tourists. my ther oold height ca fro grandfather, who was a northerner, and y have even had so mongol blood. &a;a;a;quot;this is what yrandther oold ,&a;a;a;quot; explainedther. &a;a;a;quot;but now it is too late to ask her. they are all dead, yrandparents, your uncles, and their wives and children, all killed in the war, when a bo fell on our house. so ny geions in one instant.&a;a;a;quot;
she had said this so tter-of-factly that i thought she had long siten over any grief she had. and then i wondered how she khey were all dead.
&a;a;a;quot;maybe they left the house before the bo fell,&a;a;a;quot; i suggested.
&a;a;a;quot;no,&a;a;a;quot; saidther. &a;a;a;quot;our whole faly is go is just you and i.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;but how do you know? so of theuld have escaped.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;ot be,&a;a;a;quot; saidther, this ti alst angrily. and then her froashed over by a puzzled blank look, and she began to talk as if she were trying to reer where she had splaced sothing. &a;a;a;quot;i went back to that house. i kept looking up to where the house used to be. and it wasnt a house, just the sky. and below, underhfeet, were four stories of burnt bricks and wood, all the life of our house. then off to the side i saw things blown into the yard, nothing valuable. there was a bed soone used to sleep in, really just a tal fra twisted up at one er. and a book, i dont know what kind, because every page had turned black. and i saw a teacup which was unbroken but filled with ashes. and then i founddoll, with her hands and legs broken, her hair burned off….when i was a little girl, i had cried for that doll, seeing it all alone iore window, andther had bought it for . it was an ari doll with yellow hair. iuld turn its legs and ar. the eyes ved up and down. and when i rried afaly ho, i gave the doll toyou niece, because she was like . she cried if that doll was not with her always. do you see? if she was in the house with that doll, her parents were there, and so everybody was there, waiting together, because thats how our faly was.&a;a;a;quot;
the won in the s booth stares atdots, then glabriefly, and with two quients stas everything and sternly nodsalong. and soonfather and i find ourselves in a large area filled with thousands of people and suitcases. i feel lost andfather looks helpless.
&a;a;a;quot;excuse ,&a;a;a;quot; i say to a n who looks like an ari. &a;a;a;quot; you tellwhere iget a taxi?&a;a;a;quot; he les sothing that sounds swedish or dutch.
&a;a;a;quot;syau yen! syau yen!&a;a;a;quot; i hear a pierg voice shout frobehind . an old won in a yellow knit beret is holding up a pink plastic bag filled with ed tris. i guess she is trying to sell us sothing. butfather is staring down at this tiny sparrow of a won, squinting into her eyes. and then his eyes widen, his face opens up and he sles like a pleased little boy.
&a;a;a;quot;aiyi! aiyi!&a;a;a;quot;—auntie auntie!—he says softly.
&a;a;a;quot;syau yen!&a;a;a;quot; y great-aunt. i think its funny she has just calledfather &a;a;a;quot;little wild goose.&a;a;a;quot; it st be his baby lk he na used to disce ghosts frostealing children.
they clasp each others hands—they do not hug—and hold on like this, taking turns saying, &a;a;a;quot;look at you! you are so old. look how old youve bee!&a;a;a;quot; they are both g openly, laughing at the sa ti, and i bitelip, trying not to cry. iafraid to feel their joy. because i athinking how different our arrival in shanghai will be torrow, hoard it will feel.
now aiyi bea and points to a polaroid picture offather. my father had wisely sent pictures when he wrote and said we were ing. see how srt she was, she see to intone as she pares the picture tofather. iter,father had said we would call her frothe hotel once we arrived, so this is a surprise, that theyve e to et us. i wonder ifsisters will be at the airport.
it is only then that i reer the cara. i had ant to take a picture offather and his aunt the nt they t. its not too late.
&a;a;a;quot;here, stand together over here,&a;a;a;quot; i say, holding up the polaroid. the cara flashes and i hand thethe snapshot. aiyi andfather still stand close together, each of theholding a er of the picture, watg as their iges begin to for they are alst reverentially quiet. aiyi is only five years older thanfather, which kes her arouy-seven. but she looks a, shrunken, a ified relic. her thin hair is pure white, her teeth are brown with decay. so ch for stories of ese won looking young forever, i think to self.
now aiyi is ing to : &a;a;a;quot;jandale.&a;a;a;quot; so big already. she looks up at , atfull height, and then peers into her pink plastic bag—her gifts to us, i have figured out—as if she is w what she will give to , now that i aso old and big. and then she grabselbow with her sharp pincerlike grasp and turnsaround. a n and won in their fifties are shaking hands withfather, everybody sling and saying, &a;a;a;quot;ah! ah!&a;a;a;quot; they are aiyis oldest son and his wife, and standio theare four other people, aroundage, and a little girl whos arouhe introdus go by so fast, all i know is that one of theis aiyis grandson, with his wife, and the other is her granddaughter, with her husband. and the little girl is lili, aiyis great-granddaughter.
aiyi andfather speak the mandarin dialect frotheir childhood, but the rest of the faly speaks only the tonese of their village. i uand only mandarin but t speak it that well. so aiyi andfather gossip urained in mandarin, exging news about people frotheir old village. and they stop only oasionally to talk to the rest of us, sotis in tonese, sotis in english.
&a;a;a;quot;oh, it is as i suspected,&a;a;a;quot; saysfather, turning to . &a;a;a;quot;he died last suer.&a;a;a;quot; and i already uood this. i just dont know who this person, li gong, is. i feel as if i were in the united nations and the translators had run ak.
&a;a;a;quot;hello,&a;a;a;quot; i say to the little girl. &a;a;a;quot;my na is jing-i.&a;a;a;quot; but the little girl squir to look away, causing her parents to laugh with earrassnt. i try to think of tonese words isay to her, stuff i learned frofriends in atown, but all ithink of are swear words, ter for bodily funs, and short phrases like &a;a;a;quot;tastes good,&a;a;a;quot; &a;a;a;quot;tastes like garbage,&a;a;a;quot; and &a;a;a;quot;shes really ugly.&a;a;a;quot; and then i have another plan: i hold up the polaroid cara, being lili withfinger. she iediately jus forward, places one hand on her hip in the nner of a fashion del, juts out her chest, and flashesa toothy sle. as soon as i take the picture she is standio , juing and giggling every few seds as she watches herself appear on the greenish fil
by the ti we hail taxis for the ride to the hotel, lili is holding tight ontohand, pullingalong.
iaxi, aiyi talks nonstop, so i have o ask her about the different sights assing by.
&a;a;a;quot;you wrote and said you would e only for one day,&a;a;a;quot; says aiyi tofather in an agitated tone. &a;a;a;quot;one day! howyou see your faly in one day! toishan is ny hours drive froguangzhou. and this idea to call us when you arrive. this is nonsense. we have no telephone.&a;a;a;quot;
my heart races a little. i wonder if auntie lindo toldsisters we would call frothe hotel in shanghai?
aiyi tio sy father. &a;a;a;quot;i was so beside self, askson, alst turned heaven ah upside down trying to think of a way! so we decided the best was for us to take the bus frotoishan ao guangzhou—et yht frothe start.&a;a;a;quot;
and now i aholdingbreath as the taxi driver dodges between trucks and buses, honking his horn stantly. we seeto be on so sort of long freeway overpass, like a bridge above the city. isee row after row of apartnts, each floor cluttered with laundry hanging out to dry on the baly. we pass a public bus, with people jaed in so tight their faces are nearly wedged against the window. then i see the skyline of what st be downtown guangzhou. froa dista looks like a jor ari city, with highrises and stru going on everywhere. as we slow down in the sted part of the city, i seeres of little shops, dark inside, lined with ters and shelves. and then there is a building, its front laced with scaffolding de of baoo poles held together with plastic strips. men and woanding on narrow platfor, scraping the sides, w without safety straps or helts. oh, would osha have a field day here, i think.
aiyis shrill voice rises up again: &a;a;a;quot;so it is a sha you t see our village, our house. my sons have been quite suessful, selliables in the free rket. we had enough these last few years to build a big house, three stories, all of new brick, big enough for our whole faly and then so. and every year, the ney is eveer. you aris arent the only ones who know how to get rich!&a;a;a;quot;
the taxi stops and i assu weve arrived, but then i peer out at what looks like a grander version of the hyatt regency. &a;a;a;quot;this is unist a?&a;a;a;quot; i wonder out loud. and then i shakehead towardfather. &a;a;a;quot;this st be the wrong hotel.&a;a;a;quot; i quickly pull out our itinerary, travel tickets, and reservations. i had explicitly instructedtravel agent to choose sothing inexpensive, ihirty-to-forty-dollar range. isure of this. and there it says on our itinerary: garden hotel, huanshi dong lu. well, our travel agent had better be prepared to eat the extra, thats all i have to say.
the hotel is gnifit. a bellboy plete with uniforand sharp-creased cap jus forward and begins to carry s into the lobby. ihe hotel looks like an y of shopping arcades aaurants all encased in granite and glass. and rather than be iressed, i aworried about the expense, as well as the appeara st give aiyi, that we rich aris ot be without our luxuries even for one night.
but when i step up to the reservation desk, ready to haggle over this booking stake, it is fird. our roo are prepaid, thirty-four dollars each. i feel sheepish, and aiyi and the others seedelighted by our teorary surroundings. lili is looking wide-eyed at an arcade filled with video gas.
our whole faly crowds into one elevator, and the bellboy waves, saying he will et us on the eighteenth floor. as soon as the elevator door shuts, everybody bees very quiet, and when the door finally opens again, everybody talks at on what sounds like relieved voices. i have the feeling aiyi and the others have never been on such a long elevator ride.
our roo are o each other and are identical. the rugs, drapes, bedspreads are all in shades of taupe. theres lor television with rete-trol panels built into the la table betin beds. the bathroohas rble walls and floors. i find a built-i bar with a sll refrigerator stocked with heineken beer, coke classid seven-up, ni-bottles of johnnie walker red, bacardi ru and srnoff vodka, and packets of m &a;a;a;a; ms, honey-roasted cashews, and cadbury clate bars. and again i say out loud, &a;a;a;quot;this is unist a?&a;a;a;quot;
my father es intoroo &a;a;a;quot;they decided we should just stay here and visit,&a;a;a;quot; he says, shrugging his shoulders. &a;a;a;quot;they say, less trouble that way. more ti to talk.&a;a;