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ying-ying st. clair
my daughter has putii of roo in her new house.
&a;a;a;quot;this is the guest bedroo&a;a;a;quot; lena said in her proud ari way.
i sled. but to ese ways of thinking, the guest bedroois the best bedroo where she and her husband sleep. i do not tell her this. her wisdois like a bottoess pond. you throw stones in and they sink into the darkness and dissolve. her eyes looking back do not refleything.
i think this to self even though i lovedaughter. she and i have shared the sa body. there is a part of her nd that is part of ne. but when she was born, she sprang fro like a slippery fish, and has been swiing away ever since. all her life, i have watched her as though froanother shore. and now i st tell her everything aboutpast. it is the only way to pee her skin and pull her to where shebe saved.
this roohas ceilings that slope dow&a;a;lt;tt&a;a;gt;&a;a;lt;/tt&a;a;gt;nward toward the pillow ofbed. its walls close in like ffin. i should renddaughter not to put any babies in this roo but i know she will not listen. she has already said she does not want any babies. she and her husband are too busy drawing places that soone else will build and soone else will live in. i ot say the ari word that she and her husband are. it is an ugly word.
&a;a;a;quot;arty-tecky,&a;a;a;quot; i once pronou tosister-in-law.
my daughter had laughed when she heard this. when she was a child, i should have slapped her re often for disrespect. but now it is too late. now she and her husband giveo add toso-so security. so the burning feeling i have inhand sotis, i st pull it batoheart and keep it inside.
what good does it do to draw fancy buildings and then live ihat is useless? my daughter has ney, but everything in her house is for looking, not even food-looking. look at this end table. it is heavy white rble on skinny black legs. a person st always think not to put a heavy bag on this table or it will break. the only thing thatsit oable is a tall black vase. the vase is like a spider leg, so thin only one flowerbe put in. if you shake the table, the vase and flower will fall down.
all around this house i see the signs. my daughter looks but does not see. this is a house that will break into pieces. how do i know? i have always known a thing before it happens.
when i was a young girl in wushi, i was lihai. wild and stubborn. i wore a srk onface. too good to listen. i was sll and pretty. i had ti which devery vain. if a pair of silk slippers beca dusty, i threw theaway. i worstly iorted calfskin shoes with little heels. i broke ny pairs and ruined ny stogs running across thbblestonurtyard.
i often unraveledhair and wore it loose. my ther would look atwild tangles and se: &a;a;a;quot;aii-ya, ying-ying, you are like the lady ghosts at the bottoof the lake.&a;a;a;quot;
these were the ladies who drowheir sha and floated in living peoples houses with their hair uo show their everlasting despair. my ther said i would bring sha into the house, but i only giggled as she tried to tuckhair up with long pins. she lovedtoo ch to get angry. i was like her. that was why she nadying-ying, clear refle.
we were one of the richest falies in wushi. we had ny roo, each filled with big, heavy tables. on each table was a jade jar sealed airtight with a jade lid. each jar held unfiltered british cigarettes, always the right aunt. not too ot too little. the jars were de just for these cigarettes. i thought nothing of these jars. they were junk innd. oncebrothers and i stole a jar and poured the cigarettes out onto the streets. we ran down to a large hole that had opened up ireet, where underh water flowed. there we squatted along with the children who lived by the gutter. weoped up cups of dirty water, hoping to find a fish or unknown treasure. we found nothing, and soon our clothes were washed over with d and we were unreizable frothe children who lived oreets.
we had ny riches in that house. silk rugs and jewels. rare bowls and carved ivory. but when i think ba that house, and it is not often, i think of that jade jar, the ddied treasure i did not know i was holding inhand.
there is ahing i reer clearly about that house.
i was sixteen. it was the nightyou aunt got rried. she and her new husband had already retired to the roothey would share in the big house with her new ther-in-law and the rest of her new faly.
many of the visiting faly ers li our house, sitting around the big table in the in roo everybody laughing ais, peeling es, and laughing re. a n froaown was seated with us, a friend ofaunts new husband. he was older thanoldest brother, so i called hiuncle. his face was reddened frodrinking whiskey.
&a;a;a;quot;ying-ying,&a;a;a;quot; he called hoarsely toas he rose frohis chair. &a;a;a;quot;maybe you are still hungry, isnt it so?&a;a;a;quot;
i looked around the table, sling at everyone because of this special attention given to . i thought he would pull a special treat froa large sack he was reag into. i hoped for so sweeteneokies. but he pulled out a waterlon and put it oable with a loud pung.
&a;a;a;quot;kai g;quot;—opeerlon—he said, poising a large knife over the perfect fruit.
then he sank the knife in with a ghty push and his huge uth roared a laugh so big uld see all the way back to his gold teeth. everyo the table laughed loudly. my face burned froearrassnt, because at that ti i did not uand.
yes, it is true i was a wild girl, but i was i. i did not know what an evil thing he did whe open that waterlon. i did not uand until six nths later when i was rried to this n and he hissed drunkenly tothat he was ready to kai gwa.
this was a n so bad that even today i ot speak his na. why d&a;a;lt;u&a;a;gt;&a;a;lt;/u&a;a;gt;id i rry this n? it was because the night afteryou aunts wedding, i began to know a thing before it happened.
most of the relatives had left the and by the evening,half-sisters and i were bored. we were sitting at the sa large table, drinking tea aing roasted waterlon seeds. my half-sisters gossiped loudly, while i sat crag seeds and laying their flesh in a pile.
my half-sisters were all dreang of being rried to worthless young boys frofalies not as good as ours. my half-sisters did not know how to reach very high food thing. they were the daughters offathers es. i was the daughter offathers wife.
&a;a;a;quot;his ther will treat you like a servant…&a;a;a;quot; chided one half-sister upon hearing the others choice.
&a;a;a;quot;a dness on his uncles side…&a;a;a;quot; retorted the other half-sister.
wheired of teasing one ahey askedwhoi wao rry.
&a;a;a;quot;i know of no one,&a;a;a;quot; i told thehaughtily.
it was not that boys did not i . i knew how to attract attention and be adred. but i was too vain to think any one boy was good enough for .
those were the thoughts inhead. but thoughts are of two kinds. so are seeds that are planted when you are born, placed there by your father and ther and their aors before the and so thoughts are planted by others. maybe it was the waterlon seeds i was eating: i thought of that laughing n frothe night before. and just then, a large wind blew in frothe north and the flower oable split froits steand fell atfeet.
this is the truth. it was as if a knife had cut the flowers head off as a sign. right then, i knew i would rry this n. it was not with joy that i thought this, but wondernt that uld know it.
and soon i began to hear this ioned byfather and uncle and aunts new husband. at dinner his na ooned intobowl along withsoup. i found histaring atacross fro uncleurtyard, hu-huing, &a;a;a;quot;see, she ot turn away. she is already ne.&a;a;a;quot;
true enough, i did not turn away. i fought his eyes with ne. i listeo hiwithnose held high, sniffing the stink of his words wheold father would not likely give the dowry he required. i pushed so hard to keep hifro thoughts that i fell into a rriage bed with hi
my daughter does not know that i was rried to this n so long ago, twenty years before she was even born.
she does not know how beautiful i was when i rried this n. i was far re pretty thandaughter, who has try feet and a large nose like her fathers.
even today,skin is still soth,figure like a girls. but there are deep lines inuth where i used to wear sles. andpoor feet, onall and pretty! now they are swollen, callused, and cracked at the heels. my eyes, sht and flashy at sixteen, are now yellow-stained, clouded.
but i still see alst everything clearly. when i want to reer, it is like looking into a bowl and finding the last grains of rice you did not finish.
there was an afternoon on tai lake soon after this n and i rried. i reer this is when i ca to love hi this n had turnedface toward the late-afternoon sun. he held and strokedcheek and said, &a;a;a;quot;ying-ying, you have tiger eyes. they gather fire in the day. at night they shine golden.&a;a;a;quot;
i did not laugh, even though this oehe said very badly. i cried with ho joy. i had a swiing feeling inheart like a creature thrashing to get out and wanting to stay in at the sa ti. that is how ch i ca to love this n. this is how it is when a person joins your body and there is a part of your nd that swi to join that person against your will.
i beca a strao self. i retty for hi if i put slippers onfeet, it was to choose a pair that i knew would please hi i brushedhair y-is a night t luck to our rital bed, in hopes of ceiving a son.
the night he plahe baby, i again knew a thing before it happened. i k was a boy. uld see this little boy inwo. he hadhusbands eyes, large and wide apart. he had long tapered fingers, fat earlobes, and slick hair that rose high to reveal a large forehead.
it is because i had so ch joy then that i ca to have so ch hate. but even when i washappiest, i had a worry that started right abovebrow, where you know a thing. this worry later trickled down toheart, where you feel a thing and it bees true.
my husband started to take ny busirips to the north. these trips began soon after we rried, but they beca longer after the baby ut inwo. i reered that the north wind had blown ludhusbandway, so at night when he was away, i opened widebedroowindows, even old nights, to blow his spirit a backway.
what i did not know is that the north wind is thldest. it pees the heart and takes the warh away. the wind gathered such a force that it blewhusband pastbedrooand out the back door. i found out fro you aunt that he had leftto live with an opera singer.
later still, when i overcagrief and ca to have nothing inheart but loathing despair,you aunt toldof others. dancers and ari ladies. prostitutes. a girusin younger even than i was. she left steriously for hong kong soon afterhusband disappeared.
so i will tell lena ofsha. that i was rid pretty. i was too good for any one n. that i beca abandoned goods. i will tell her that at eighteen the prettiness drained fro cheeks. that i thought of throwing self in the lake like the other ladies of sha. and i will tell her of the baby i killed because i ca to hate this n so ch.
i took this baby fro wo before iuld be born. this was not a bad thing to do in a back then, to kill a baby before it is born. but even then, i thought it was bad, becausebody flowed with terrible revenge as the juices of this ns firstborn son poured fro.
when the nurses asked what they should do with the lifeless baby, i hurled atheand said toit like a fish and throw it in the lake. my daughter thinks i do not know what it ans to not want a baby.
whendaughter looks at , she sees a sll old lady. that is because she sees only with her outside eyes. she ha&a;a;lt;dfn&a;a;gt;&a;a;lt;/dfn&a;a;gt;s no chung, no inside knowing of things. if she had chung, she would see a tiger lady. and she would have careful fear.
i was born in the year of the tiger. it was a very bad year to be born, a very good year to be a tiger. that was the year a very bad spirit ehe world. people iryside died like chis on a hot suer day. people iy beca shadows, went into their hos and disappeared. babies were born and did not get fatter. the flesh fell off their bones in days and they died.
the bad spirit stayed in the world for four years. but i ca froa spirit even stronger, and i lived. this is whatther toldwhen i was old enough to know why i was so heartstrong inways.
theoldwhy a tiger is gold and black. it has two ways. the gold side leaps with its fierce heart. the black side stands still with ing, hiding its gold between trees, seeing and not being seen, waiting patiently for things to e. i did not learn to useblack side until after the bad.
i beca like the ladies of the lake. i threw white clothes over the rrors inbedrooso i did not have to seegrief. i loststrength, so uld not even lifthands to place pins inhair. and then i floated like a dead leaf oer until i drifted out ofther-in-laws house and bay faly ho.
i went to the try outside of shanghai to live with a seusins faly. i stayed in this try ho for ten years. if you askwhat i did during these long years, ionly say i waited betweerees. i had one eye asleep, the other open and watg.
i did not work. musins faly treatedwell because i was the daughter of the faly who supported the the house was shabby, crowded with three falies. it was not a fort to be there, and that is what i wanted. babies crawled on the floor with the ce. chis ca in and out likerelatives graceless peasant guests. we all ate i adst the h grease. and the flies! if you left a bowl with even a few grains of rice, you would find ivered with hungry flies so thick it looked like a living bowl of black bean soup. this is how poor the try was.
after ten years, i was ready. i was no lirl but a strange won. a still-rried won with no husband. i went to the city with both eyes open. it was as if the bowl of black flies had been poured out onto the streets. everywhere there were people ving, unknown n pushing against unknown won and no one g.
with the ney fro faly, i bought fresh clothes, dern straight suits. i y long hair in the hat was stylish, like a young boy. i was so tired of doing nothing for so ny years i decided to work. i beca a shopgirl.
i did not o learn to flatter won. i khe words they wao hear. a tigerke a soft prrrn-prrn noise deep within its chest and ke even rabbits feel safe a.
even though i was a grown won, i beca pretty again. this was a gift. i wore clothes far better and re expehan what was sold iore. and this de won buy the cheap clothes, because they thought theuld look as pretty as i.
it was at this shop, w like a peasant, that i t clifford st. clair. he was a large, pale ari n who bought the stores cheap-style clothes aheoverseas. it was his hat deknow i would rry hi
&a;a;a;quot;mistah saint clair,&a;a;a;quot; he said in english wheroduced hielf to .
and then he added in his thick, flat ese, &a;a;a;quot;like the angel of light.&a;a;a;quot;
i her liked hinor disliked hi i thought hiher attractive nor unattractive. but this i knew. i knew he was the sign that the black side ofwould soon go away.
sainurtedfor four years in his strange way. even though i was not the owner of the shop, he always greeted , shaking hands, holding thetoo long. frohis pal water aloured, even after we rried. he wasand pleasant. but he slled like a fner, a la-sll stink that ever be washed away.
i was not unkind. but he was kechi, too polite. he boughtcheap gifts: a glass figurine, a prickly brooch of cut glass, a silvelored cigarette lighter. saint acted as if these gifts were nothing, as if he were a rich ing a poirl to things we had never seen in a.
but i saw his look as he watchedopen the boxes. anxious and eager to please. he did not know that such things were nothing to , that i was raised with riches huld not even igine.
i always aepted these gifts graciously, alrotesting just enough, not too little, not too ch. i did not ence hi but because i khis n would soday behusband, i put these worthless tris carefully into a box, ing each with tissue. i khat soday he would ask to see theagain.
lena thinks saint savedfrothe poor try village that i said i was fro she is right. she is wrong. my daughter does not know that saint had to atiently for four years like a dog in front of a butcher shop.
how is it that i finally ca out a hirry ? i was waiting for the sign i knew would e. i had to wait until 1946.
a letter ca frotientsin, not fro faly, who thought i was dead. it was fro you aunt. even before i opehe letter i knew. my husband was dead. he had long since left his opera singer. he was with so worthless girl, a young servant. but she had a strong spirit and was reckless, re so than even he. wheried to leave her, she had already sharpened her lo kit knife.
i thought this n had long ago drained everything fro heart. but now sothing strong and bitter flowed and defeel another etiness in a place i didnt know was there. i cursed this n alo藏书网ud so huld hear. you had dog eyes. you jued and followed whoever called you. now you chase your own tail.
so i decided. i decided to let saint rry . so easy for . i was the daughter offathers wife. i spoke in a trely voice. i beca pale, ill, and re thin. i let self bee a wounded anil. i let the hunter e toand turo a tiger ghost. i willingly gave upchi, the spirit that causedso ch pain.
now i was a tiger that her pounor lay waitiweerees. i beca an unseen spirit.
saint tookto arica, where i lived in houses sller than the one iry. i wore large ari clothes. i did servants tasks. i learhe western ways. i tried to speak with a thick tongue. i raised a daughter, watg her froanother shore. i aepted her ari ways.
with all these things, i did not care. i had no spirit.
i telldaughter that i loved her father? this was a n who rubbedfeet at night. he praised the food that oked. he cried holy when i brought out the tris i had saved for the right day, the day he gave daughter, a tiger girl.
hould i not love this n? but it was the love of a ghost. ar that encircled but did not touch. a bowl full of rice but withoutappetite to eat it. no hunger. no fullness.
now saint is a ghost. he and i ow love equally. he knows the things i have been hiding all these years. now i st telldaughter everything. that she is the daughter of a ghost. she has no chi. this isgreatest sha. howi leave this world without leaving herspirit?
so this is what i will do. i will gather togetherpast and look. i will see a thing that has already happehe pain that cutspirit loose. i will hold that pain inhand until it bees hard and shiny, re clear. and thenfieresse back,golden side,black side. i will use this sharp pain to peedaughters tough skin and cut her tiger spirit loose. she will fight , because this is the nature of two tigers. but i will win and give herspirit, because this is the way a ther loves her daughter.
i heardaughter speaking to her husband downstairs. they say words that an nothing. they sit in a roowith no life in it.
i know a thing before it happens. she will hear the vase and table crashing to the floor. she will e up the stairs and intoroo her eyes will see nothing in the darkness, where i awaitiweerees.
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