Magpies

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  an-mei hsu

  yesterdaydaughter said to , &a;a;a;quot;my rriage is falling apart.&a;a;a;quot;

  and now all shedo is watch it falling. she lies down on a psychiatrisuch, squeezing tears out about this sha. and, i think, she will lie there until there is nothing re to fall, nothio cry about, everything dry.

  she cried, &a;a;a;quot;no choio choice!&a;a;a;quot; she doesnt know. if she doesnt speak, she is king a choice. if she doesnt try, shelose her ce forever.

  i know this, because i was raised the ese way: i was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other peoples sery, to eatown bitterness.

  and even though i taughtdaughter the opposite, still she ca out the sa way! maybe it is because she was born toand she was born a girl. and i was born tother and i was born a girl. all of us are like stairs, oep after anoing up and down, but all going the sa way.

  i know how it is to be quiet, to listen and watch, as if your life were a drea youclose your eyes when you no longer want to watch. but when you no longer want to listen, whatyou do? istill hear what happened re than sixty years ago.

  my ther was a straowhen she first arrived atuncles house in ningpo. i was nine years old and had not seen her for ny years. but i knew she wasther, because uld feel her pain.

  &a;a;a;quot;do not look at that won,&a;a;a;quot; warnedaunt. &a;a;a;quot;she has thrown her fato the eastward-flowing strea her aral spirit is lost forever. the person you see is just decayed flesh, evil, rotted to the bone.&a;a;a;quot;

  and i would stare atther. she did not look evil. i wao touch her face, the ohat looked like ne.

  it is true, she wore strange fn clothes. but she did not speak back whenaunt cursed her. her head bowed even lower whenuncle slapped her for calling hibrother. she cried froher heart when popo died, even though popo, her ther, had sent her away so ny years before. and after popos funeral, she obeyeduncle. she prepared herself to return to tientsin, where she had dishonored her widowhood by being the third e to a rich n.

  hould she leave without ? this was a question uld not ask. i was a child. uld only watd listen.

  the night before she was to leave, she heldhead against her body, as if to protectfroa danger uld not see. i was g t her back before she was even gone. and as i lay in her lap, she tolda story.

  &a;a;a;quot;an-i,&a;a;a;quot; she whispered, &a;a;a;quot;have you seetle turtle that lives in the pond?&a;a;a;quot; i his ond in ouurtyard and i often poked a sti the still water to ke the turtle swiout frouhe rocks.

  &a;a;a;quot;i also khat turtle when i was a sll child,&a;a;a;quot; saidther. &a;a;a;quot;i used to sit by the pond and watch hiswiing to the surface, biting the air with his little beak. he is a very old turtle.&a;a;a;quot;

  uld see that turtle innd and i knewther was seeing the sa one.

  &a;a;a;quot;this turtle feeds on our thoughts,&a;a;a;quot; saidther. &a;a;a;quot;i learhis one day, when i was ye, and popo said uld no longer be a child. she said uld not shout, or run, or sit on the ground to catch crickets. uld not cry if i was disappointed. i had to be silent and listen toelders. and if i did not do this, popo said she would y hair and seo a place where buddhist nuns lived.

  &a;a;a;quot;that night, after popo toldthis, i sat by the pond, looking into the water. and because i was weak, i began to cry. then i saw this turtle swiing to the top and his beak was eatingtears as soon as they touched the water. he ate thequickly, five, six, seven tears, then clied out of the pond, crawled onto a soth rod began to speak.

  &a;a;a;quot;the turtle said, i have eaten your tears, and this is why i know your sery. but i st warn you. if you cry, your life will always be sad.

  &a;a;a;quot;theurtle opened his beak and out poured five, six, seven pearly eggs. the eggs broke open and frotheerged seven birds, who iediately began to chatter and sing. i knew frotheir snow-white bellies and pretty voices that they were gpies, birds of joy. these birds bent their beaks to the pond and began to drink greedily. and when i reached outhand to capture ohey all rose up, beat their black wings inface, and flew up into the air, laughing.

  &a;a;a;quot;now you see, said the turtle, drifting bato the pond, why it is useless to cry. your tears do not wash away your sorrows. they feed soone elses joy. and that is why you st learn to swallow your own tears. &a;a;a;quot;

  but afterther finished her story, i looked at her and saw she was g. and i also&a;a;lt;q&a;a;gt;&a;a;lt;/q&a;a;gt; began tain, that this was our fate, to live like two turtles seeing the watery world together frothe bottoof the little pond.

  in thei awoke to hear—not the bird of joy—but angry sounds in the distance. i jued out ofbed and ran quietly towindow.

  out in the fronurtyard, i sawther kneeling, scratg the stohway with her fingers, as if she had lost sothing and knew shuld not find it again. in front of her stood uncle,thers brother, and he was shouting.

  &a;a;a;quot;you want to take your daughter and ruin her life as well!&a;a;a;quot; uaed his foot at this iertihought. &a;a;a;quot;you should already be gone.&a;a;a;quot;

  my ther did not say anything. she reined bent on the ground, her back as rounded as the turtle in the pond. she was g with her uth closed. and i began to cry in the sa way, swallowing those bitter tears.

  i hurried to get dressed. and by the ti i ran dowairs and into the front roother was about to leave. a servant was takirunk outside. my auntie was holding ontolittle brothers hand. before uld reer to y uth, i shouted, &a;a;a;quot;ma!&a;a;a;quot;

  &a;a;a;quot;see how your evil influence has already spread to your daughter!&a;a;a;quot; exclaiduncle.

  andther, her head still bowed, looked up atand sawface. uld not stoptears frorunning down. and i think, seeingface like this,d. she stood up tall, with her back straight, so that now she was alst taller thanuncle. she held her hand out toand i ran to her. she said in a quiet, calvoice: &a;a;a;quot;an-i, i anot asking you. but i agoing back to tientsin now and youfollow .&a;a;a;quot;

  my auntie heard this and iediately hissed. &a;a;a;quot;a girl is er than what she follows! an-i, you think yousee sothing new, riding on top of a new cart. but in front of you, it is just the ass of the sa old le. your life is what you see in front of you.&a;a;a;quot;

  and hearing this dere detero leave. because the life in front ofwasuncles house. and it was full of dark riddles and suffering that uld not uand. so i turnedhead away fro aurange words and looked atther.

  nowuncle picked up a porcelain vase. &a;a;a;quot;is this what you want to do?&a;a;a;quot; saiduncle. &a;a;a;quot;throw your life away? if you follow this won, you ever lift your head again.&a;a;a;quot; he threw that vase on the ground, where it sshed into ny pieces. i jued, andther tookhand.

  her hand was war &a;a;a;quot;e, an-i. we st hurry,&a;a;a;quot; she said, as ifa rainy sky.

  &a;a;a;quot;an-i!&a;a;a;quot; i heardaunt call piteously frobehind, but thenuncle said, &a;a;a;quot;swanle!&a;a;a;quot;—finished!—&a;a;a;quot;she is already ged.&a;a;a;quot;

  as i walked away fro old life, i wondered if it were true, whatuncle had said, that i was ged anuld never lifthead again. so i tried. i lifted it.

  and i sawlittle br so hard asauntie held onto his hand. my ther did not dare takebrother. a son ever go to sobody elses house to live. if he went, he would lose any hope for a future. but i knew he was not thinking this. he was g, angry and scared, becausether had not asked hito follow.

  whatuncle had said was true. after i sawbrother this way, uld not keephead lifted.

  in the rickshaw on our way to the railway station,ther rred, &a;a;a;quot;poor an-i, only you know. only you know what i have suffered.&a;a;a;quot; when she said this, i felt proud, that only uld see these delicate and rare thoughts.

  but orain, i realized how far behind i was leavinglife. and i beca scared. we traveled for seven days, one day by rail, six days by stear boat. at first,ther was very lively. she toldstories of tientsin wheneverface looked back at where we had just been.

  she talked of clever peddlers who served every kind of sile food: stead dulings, boiled peanuts, andthers favorite, a thin pah an egg dropped in the ddle, brushed with black bean paste, then rolled up—still finger-hot off the griddle!—and hao the hungry buyer.

  she described the port and its seafood and claid it was eveer than what we ate in ningpo. big cla, prawns, crab, all kinds of fish, salty and freshwater, the best—otherwise why would so ny fners e to this port?

  she toldabout narrow streets with crowded bazaars. in the early peasants sold vegetables i had never seen or eaten before inlife—andther assuredi would find theso sweet, so tender, so fresh. and there were ses of the city where different fners lived—japanese, white russians, aris, and gerns—but ogether, all with their own separate habits, so dirty, so . and they had houses of all shapes anlors, one painted in pink, another with roo that jutted out at every angle like the backs and fronts of victorian dresses, others with roofs like pointed hats and wood carvings painted white to look like ivory.

  and in the wii i would see snow, she said. my ther said, in just a few nths, the period of the cold dew would e, then it would start to rain, and then the rain would fall re softly, re slowly until it beca white and dry as the petals of quince blosso in the spring. she would up in fur-lineats and pants, so if it was bitteld, no tter!

  she toldny stories untilface was turned forward, looking towardnew ho isin. but when the fifth day ca, as we sailed closer toward the tientsin gulf, the waters ged froddy yellow to blad the boat began troan. i beca fearful and sick. and at night i dread of the eastward-flowing strea aunt had warnedabout, the dark waters that ged a person forever. and watg those dark waters fro sickbed on the boat, i was scared thataunts words had e true. i saw howther was already beginning to ge, how dark and angry her face had bee, looking out over the sea, thinking her own thoughts. andthoughts, too, beca cloudy and fused.

  on the of the day we were supposed to arrive isin, she went into our sleepingwearing her white ese dress. and wheuro the sitting roooop deck, she looked like a stranger. her eyebrows were paihick at the ter, then long and sharp at the ers. her eyes had dark sdges around theand her face ale white, her lips dark red. on top of her head, she wore a sll brow hat with one large brown-speckled feather swept across the front. her short hair was tucked into this hat, except for two perfect curls on her forehead that faced each other like black lacquer carvings. she had on a long brown dress with a white lacllar that fell all the way to her waist and was fastened down with a silk rose.

  this was a shog sight. we were inbut uld not say anything. i was a child. hould i sy own ther? uld only feel sha seeingther wear her sha so boldly.

  in her gloved hands she held a large crealored box with fn words written on top: &a;a;a;quot;fine english-tailored apparel, tientsin.&a;a;a;quot; i reer she had put the box dowween us and told : &a;a;a;quot;open it! quickly!&a;a;a;quot; she was breathless and sling. i was so surprised bythers range nner, it was not until ny years later, when i was using this box to store letters and photographs, that i wondered howther had known. even though she had not seenfor ny years, she had known that i would soday follow her and that i should wear a new dress when i did.

  and when i opehat box, allsha,fears, they fell away. inside was a arch-white dress. it had ruffles at thllar and along the sleeves and six tiers of ruffles for a skirt. the box also tained white stogs, white leather shoes, and an enorus white hair bow, already shaped and ready to be fastened on with two loose ties.

  everything was too big. my shoulders kept slipping out of the large neck hole. the waist was big enough to fit two of . but i did not nd. she did not nd. i raisedar and stood perfectly still. she drew out pins and thread and with little tucks here and there stuffed in the loose terials, then filled the toes of the shoes with tissue paper, until everything fit. wearing those clothes, i felt as if i had grown new hands a and i would now have to learn to walk in a new way.

  and thenther beca sain. she sat with her hands folded in her lap, watg as our boat drew closer and closer to the dock.

  &a;a;a;quot;an-i, now you are ready to start your new life. you will live in a new house. you will have a new father. many sisters. another little brother. dresses and good things to eat. do you think all this will be enough to be happy?&a;a;a;quot;

  i nodded quietly, thinking about the unhappiness ofbrother in ningpo. my ther did not say anything re about the house, ornew faly, orhappiness. and i did not ask any questions, because now a bell was sounding and a ships steward was calling our arrival isin. my ve quistrus to our porter, poio our two sll trunks and handed hiney, as if she had dohis every day of her life. and then she carefully opened another box and pulled out what looked to be five or six dead foxes with open beady eyes, li paws, and fluffy tails. she put this scary sight around her ned shoulders, then grabbedhand tight as we ved down the aisle with the crowd of people.

  there was no o the harbor to et us. my ther walked slowly down the raway, through the baggage platfor looking nervously froside to side.

  &a;a;a;quot;an-i, e! why are you so slo;quot; she said, her voice filled with fear. i was draggingfeet, trying to stay in those toe shoes as the grouhswayed. and when i was not watg which wayfeet were ving, i looked up and saw everybody was in a hurry, everybody seed unhappy: falies with old thers and fathers, all wearing dark, soelors, pushing and pulling bags and crates of their lifes possessions; pale fn ladies dressed likether, walking with fn n in hats; rich wiveslding ids and servants following behind carrying trunks and babies and baskets of food.

  we stood he street, where rickshaws and trucks ca a. we held hands, thinking our own thoughts, eople arriving at the station, watg others hurrying away. it was lateand although it seed waroutside, the sky was gray and clouding over.

  after a long ti of standing and seeing no one,ed and finally shouted for a rickshaw.

  during this ride,ed with the rickshaw puller, who wanted extra cash to carry the two of us and gage. then she plained about the dust frothe ride, the sll of the street, the buiness of the road, the lateness of the day, the ache ioch. and when she had finished with these lants, she turned her plaints to : a spot onnew dress, a tangle inhair,twisted stogs. i tried to win backther, pointing to ask her about a sll park, a bird flying above us, a loric streetcar that passed us sounding its horn.

  but she beca only re cross and said: &a;a;a;quot;an-i, sit still. do not look so eager. we are only going ho.&a;a;a;quot;

  and when we finally arrived ho, we were both exhausted.

  i knew frothe beginning our new ho would not be an ordinary house. my ther had toldwe would live in the household of wu tsing, who was a very rich rt. she said this n owned ny carpet factories and lived in a nsion located in the british cession of tientsin, the best se of the city where ese peopluld live. we lived not too far fropai di, racehorse street, where only westerneruld live. and we were also close to little shops that sold only one kind of thing: only tea, or only fabric, or only soap.

  the house, she said, was fn-built; wu tsing liked fn things because fners had de hirich. and i cluded that was whyther had to wear fn-style clothes, in the nner of newly rich ese people who liked to display their wealth oside.

  and even though i knew all this before i arrived, i was still azed at what i saw.

  the front of the house had a ese stoe, rou the top, with big black lacquer doors and a threshold you had to step over. withies i saw thurtyard and i was surprised. there were no willows or sweet-slling cassia trees, no garden pavilions, no benches sitting by a pond, no tubs of fish. instead, there were long rows of bushes on both sides of a wide brick walkway and to each side of those bushes was a big lawn area with fountains. and as we walked down the walkway and got closer to the house, i saw this house had been built in the western style. it was three stories high, of rtar and stone, with loal balies on each floor and eys at every er.

  when we arrived, a young servant won ran out and greetedther with cries of joy. she had a high scratchy voice: &a;a;a;quot;oh taitai, youve already arrived! howthis be?&a;a;a;quot; this was yan g,thers personal id, and she knew how to fuss overther just the right aunt. she had calledther taitai, the sile honorable title of wife, as ifther were the first wife, the only wife.

  yan g called loudly to other servants to take gage, called another servant t tea and draw a hot bath. and then she hastily explaihat sed wife had told everyo to expect us for another week at least. &a;a;a;quot;what a sha! no oo greet you! sed wife, the oo peking to visit her relatives. your daughter, so pretty, your sa look. shes so shy, eh? first wife, her daughters…gone on a pilgrige to another buddhist tele…last week, usins uncle, just a little crazy, ca to visit, turned out not to be usin, not an uncle, who knows who he was….&a;a;a;quot;

  as soon as we walked into that big house, i beca lost with too ny things to see: a curved staircase that wound up and up, a ceiling with faces in every er, then hallways twisting and turning into one roothen aoright was a large roo larger than i had ever seen, and it was filled with stiff teakwood furniture: sofas and tables and chairs. and at the other end of this long, long roo uld see doors leading into re roo, re furniture, then re doors. toleft was a darker roo another sitting roo this one filled with fn furniture: dark greeher sofas, paintings with hunting dogs, arhairs, and hogany desks. and as i glanced in these roo i would see different people, and yan g would explain: &a;a;a;quot;this young lady, she is sed wifes servant. that one, she is nobody, just the daughter ooks helper. this n takes care of the garden.&a;a;a;quot;

  and then we were walking up the staircase. we ca to the top of the stairs and i found self in another large sitting roo we walked to the left, down a hall, past one roo and then stepped into another. &a;a;a;quot;this is your thers roo&a;a;a;quot; yan g toldproudly. &a;a;a;quot;this is where you will sleep.&a;a;a;quot;

  and the first thing i saw, the only thing uld see at first, was a gnifit bed. it was heavy and light at the sa ti: soft rose silk and heavy, dark shiny wood carved all around with dragons. four posts held up a silk opy and at each post dangled large silk ties holding back curtains. the bed sat on four squat lions paws, as if the weight of it had crushed the lion underh. yan g showedhow to use a sll step stool to cli onto the bed. and when i tuled onto the silk cs, i laughed to dver a soft ttress that was ten tis the thiess ofbed in ningpo.

  sitting in this bed, i adred everything as if i were a princess. this roohad a glass door that led to a baly. in front of the window door was a round table of the sa wood as the bed. it too sat on carved lions legs and was surrounded by four chairs. a servant had already put tea and sweet cakes oable and was now lighting the houlu, a sll stove for burninal.

  it was not thatuncles house in ningpo had been poor. he was actually quite well-to-do. but this house isin was azing. and i thought to self, my uncle was wrong. there was no sha inthers rrying wu tsing.

  while thinking this, i was startled by a sudden g! g! g! followed by si the wall opposite the bed was a big wooden clock with a forest and bears carved into it. the door on the clock had burst open and a tiny roofull of people was ing out. there was a bearded n in a pointed cap seated at a table. he was bending his head over and ain to drink soup, but his beard would dip in the bowl first and stop hi a girl in a white scarf and blue dress was standio the table and she was bending over and ain to give the n re of this soup. ao the n and girl was anirl with a skirt and short jacket. she was swinging her arbad forth, playing violin sic. she allayed the sa dark song. istill hear it inhead after these ny years—ni-ah! nah! nah! nah! nah-ni-nah!

  this was a wonderful clock to see, but after i heard it that first hour, then the , and then always, this clock beca aravagant nuisance. uld not sleep for ny nights. and later, i found i had an ability: to not listen to sothing aningless calling to .

  i was so happy those first few nights, in this asing house, sleeping in the big soft bed withther. i would lie in this fortable bed, thinking aboutuncles house in ningpo, realizing how unhappy i had been, feeling sorry forlittle brother. but st ofthoughts flew to all the hings to see and do in this house.

  i watched hot water p out of pipes not just i but also into washbasins and bathtubs on all three floors of the house. i saw chaer pots that flushedwithout servants having to ety the i saw roo as fancy asthers. yan g explained whies beloo first wife and the other es, who were called sed wife and third wife. and so roo beloo no one. &a;a;a;quot;they are fuests,&a;a;a;quot; said yan g.

  ohird floor were roo for only the n servants, said yan g, and one of the roo even had a door to a et that was really a secret hiding place frosea pirates.

  thinking back, i find it hard to reer everything that was in that house; too ny good things all seethe sa after a while. i tired of anything that was not a y. &a;a;a;quot;oh, this,&a;a;a;quot; i said when yan g broughtthe sa sweet ats as the day before. &a;a;a;quot;ive tasted this already.&a;a;a;quot;

  my ther seed tain her pleasant nature. she put her old clothes ba, long ese gowns and skirts now with white bands sewn at the botto. during the day, she poie and funny things, nang thefor : bidet, brownie cara, salad fork, napkin. in the evening, when there was nothing to do, we talked about the servants: who was clever, who was diligent, who was loyal. we gossiped as woked sll eggs and sweet potatoes on top of the houlu just to enjoy their sll. and at night,ther would again tellstories as i lay in her ar falling asleep.

  if i look uponwhole life, i ot think of ai when i felt re fortable: when i had no worries, fears, or desires, whenlife seed as soft and lovely as lying insideof rose silk. but i reer clearly when all that fort beca no longer fortable.

  it erhaps two weeks after we had arrived. i was in the large garden in back, kig a ball and watg two dogs chase it. my ther sat at a table watgplay. and then i heard a horn off in the distance, shouts, and those two dogs fot the ball and ran off barking in high happy voices.

  my ther had the sa fearful look she wore in the harbor station. she walked quickly into the house. i walked around the side of the house toward the front. two shiny black rickshaws had arrived and behind thea large black torcar. a nservant was taking luggage out of one rickshaw. froanother rickshaw, a young id jued out.

  all the servants crowded around the torcar, looking at their faces in the polished tal, adring the curtained windows, the velvet seats. then the driver opehe back door and out stepped a young girl. she had short hair with rows of waves. she looked to be only a few years older than i, but she had on a wons dress, stogs, and high heels. i looked down atown white dresvered with grass stains and i felt ashad.

  and then i saw the servants reag into the backseat of the torcar and a n was slowly being lifted by both ar. this was wu tsing. he was a big n, not tall, but puffed out like a bird. he was ch older thanther, with a high shiny forehead and a large black le on one nostril. he wore a western suit jacket with a vest that closed too tightly around his stoch, but his pants were very loose. he groaned and grunted as he heaved hielf out and into view. and as soon as his shoes touched the ground, he began to walk toward the house, ag as though he saw no one, even though people greeted hiand were busy opening doors, carrying his bags, taking his lonat. he walked into the house like that, with this young girl following hi she was looking behind at everyoh a siering sle, as if they were there to honor her. and when she was hardly in the door, i heard one servant rerk to another, &a;a;a;quot;fifth wife is so young she did n any of her own servants, only a wet nurse.&a;a;a;quot;

  i looked up at the house and sawther looking down froher window, watg everything. so in this cluy way,ther found out that wu tsing had taken his fourth e, who was actually just an afterthought, a foolish bit of ration for his new torcar.

  my ther was not jealous of this young girl who would now be called fifth wife. why should she be? my ther did not love wu tsing. a girl in a did not rry for love. she rried for position, andthers position, i later learned, was the worst.

  after wu tsing and fifth wife arrived ho,ther often stayed in her roow on her eroidery. iernoon, she and i would go on long silent rides iy, searg for a bolt of silk in lor shuld not seeto na. her unhappiness was this sa way. shuld not .

  and so, while everything seed peaceful, i k was not. you y wonder how a sll child, only nine years old,know these things. now i wonder about it self. ireer only how unfortable i felt, how uld feel the truth withstoch, knowing sothing terrible was going to happen. and itell you, it was alst as bad as how i felt so fifteen years later when the japanese bos started to fall and, listening in the distance, uld hear soft rules and khat what was ing was unstoppable.

  a few days after wu tsing had arrived ho, i awoke in the ddle of the night. my ther was rogshoulder gently.

  &a;a;a;quot;an-i, be a good girl,&a;a;a;quot; she said in a tired voice. &a;a;a;quot;go to yan gs roono;quot;

  i rubbedeyes and as i awoke i saw a dark shadow and began to cry. it was wu tsing.

  &a;a;a;quot;be quiet. nothing is the tter. go to yan g,&a;a;a;quot;ther whispered.

  and then she lifteddown slowly to thld floor. i heard the wooden clock begin to sing and wu tsings deep voiplaining of the chill. and when i went to yan g, it was as though she had expectedand knew i would be g.

  theuld not look atther. but i saw that fifth wife had a swollen face like ne. and at breakfast thatin front of everybody, her anger finally erupted when she shouted rudely to a servant for serving her so slowly. everyone, eventher, stared at her for her bad nners, critig a servant that way. i saw wu tsing throw her a sharp look, like a father, and she began to cry. but later thatfifth wife was sling again, prang around in a new dress and new shoes.

  iernoon,ther spoke of her unhappiness for the first ti. we were in a rickshaw going to a store to find eroidery thread. &a;a;a;quot;do you see how shafullife is?&a;a;a;quot; she cried. &a;a;a;quot;do you see how i have no position? he brought ho a new wife, a low-class girl, dark-skinned, no nners! bought her for a few dollars froa poor village faly that kes dbrick tiles. and at night when he o longer use her, he es to , slling of her d.&a;a;a;quot;

  she was g now, raling like a crazy won: &a;a;a;quot;yousee now, a fourth wife is less than a fifth wife. an-i, you st not fet. i was a first wife, yi tai, the wife of a scholar. your ther was not always fourth wife, sz tai!&a;a;a;quot;

  she said this word, sz, so hatefully i shuddered. it sounded like the sz that ans &a;a;a;quot;die.&a;a;a;quot; and i reered popo oellingfour is a very unluuer because if you say it in an angry way, it always es out wrong.

  the col&a;a;lt;big&a;a;gt;..&a;a;lt;/big&a;a;gt;d dew ca. it beca chilly, and sed wife and third wife, their children and servants returned ho to tientsin. there was a big otiohey arrived. wu tsing had allowed the new torcar to be sent to the railway station, but ourse that was not enough to carry theall back. so behind the torcar ca a dozen or so rickshaws, boung up and down like crickets following a large shile. won began to pour out of the torcar.

  my ther was standing behind , ready to greet everybody. a won wearing a plain fn dress and large, ugly shoes walked toward us. three girls, one of whowasage, followed behind.

  &a;a;a;quot;this is third wife ahree daughters,&a;a;a;quot; saidther.

  those three girls were even re shy than i. they crowded around their ther with bowed heads and did not speak. but i tio stare. they were as plain as their ther, with big teeth, thick lips, and eyebrows as bushy as a caterpillar. third wife weledwary and allowedto carry one of her packages.

  i feltthers hand stiffen onshoulder. &a;a;a;quot;and there is sed wife. she will want you to call her big mother,&a;a;a;quot; she whispered.

  i saw a won wearing a long black fuat and dark western clothes, very fancy. and in her ar she held a little boy with fat rosy cheeks who looked to be two years old.

  &a;a;a;quot;he is syaudi, your littlest brother,&a;a;a;quot;ther whispered. he wore a cap de out of the sa dark fur and was winding his little finger around sed wifes long pearl necklace. i wondered how shuld have a baby this young. sed wife was handso enough and seed healthy, but she was quite old, perhaps forty-five. she hahe baby to a servant and then began to give instrus to the ny people who still crowded around her.

  and then sed wife walked toward , sling, her fuat gleang with every step. she stared, as if she were exaning , as if she reized . finally she sled and pattedhead. and then with a swift, graceful vent of her sll hands, she reved her long pearly strand and put it aroundneck.

  this was the st beautiful piece of jewelry i had ever touched. it was designed in the western style, a long strand, each bead the sa size and of aical pinkish tone, with a heavy brooch of ornate silver to clasp the ends together.

  my ther iediately protested: &a;a;a;quot;this is too ch for a sll child. she will break it. she will lose it.&a;a;a;quot;

  but sed wife sily said to : &a;a;a;quot;such a pretty girl needs sothing to put the light on her face.&a;a;a;quot;

  uld see by the wayther shrank bad beca quiet that she was angry. she did not like sed wife. i had to be careful how i showedfeelings: not to letther think sed wife had wonover. yet i had this reckless feeling. i was overjoyed that sed wife had showhis special favor.

  &a;a;a;quot;thank you, big mother,&a;a;a;quot; i said to sed wife. and i was looking down to avoid showing herface, but still uld not help sling.

  whenther and i had tea in her roolater that afternoon, i knew she was angry.

  &a;a;a;quot;be careful, an-i,&a;a;a;quot; she said. &a;a;a;quot;what you hear is not genuine. she kes clouds with one hand, rain with the other. she is trying to trick you, so you will do anything for her.&a;a;a;quot;

  i sat quietly, trying not to listen tother. i was thinking how chther plaihat perhaps all of her unhappiness sprang froher plaints. i was thinking how i should not listen to her.

  &a;a;a;quot;give the necklae,&a;a;a;quot; she said suddenly.

  i looked at her without ving.

  &a;a;a;quot;you do not believe , so you st givethe necklace. i will not let her buy you for such a cheap price.&a;a;a;quot;

  and when i still did not ve, she stood up and walked over, and lifted that necklace off. and before uld cry to stop her, she put the necklader her shoe and stepped on it. whe it oable, i saw what she had dohis necklace that had alst boughtheart and nd now had one bead of crushed glass.

  later she reved that broken bead and khe space together so the necklace looked whole again. she toldto wear the necklace every day for one week so i would reer how easy it is to lose self to sothing false. and after i wore those fake pearls long enough to learn this lesson, she lettake theoff. then she opened a box, and turo : &a;a;a;quot;nowynize what is true?&a;a;a;quot; and i nodded.

  she put sothing inhand. it was a heavy ring of watery blue sapphire, with a star in its ter so pure that i never ceased to look at that ring with wonder.

  before the sed onth began, first wife returned fropeking, where she kept a house and lived with her two unrried daughters. i reer thinking that first wife would ke sed wife bow to her ways. first wife was the head wife, by law and by .

  but first wife turned out to be a living ghost, no threat to sed wife, who had her strong spirit intact. first wife looked quite a and frail with her rounded body, bou, her old-style padded jacket and pants, and plain, lined face. but now that i reer her, she st not have been too old, ybe wu tsings age, so she erhaps fifty.

  when i t first wife, i thought she was blind. she acted as if she did not see . she did not see wu tsing. she did not seether. a shuld see her two daughters, two spinsters beyond the rriageable age; they were at least twenty-five. and she always regained her sight in ti told the two dogs for sniffing in her roo digging in the garden outside her window, or wetting on a table leg.

  &a;a;a;quot;why does first wife sotis see and sotis not see?&a;a;a;quot; i asked yan g one night as she helpedbathe.

  &a;a;a;quot;first wife says she sees only what is buddha perfe,&a;a;a;quot; said yan g. &a;a;a;quot;she says she is blind to st faults.&a;a;a;quot;

  yan g said that first wife chose to be blind to the unhappiness of her rriage. she and wu tsing had been joined in tyandi, heaven ah, so theirs iritual rriage arranged by a tchker, ordered by his parents, and protected by the spirits of their aors. but after the first year of rriage, first wife had given birth to a girl with ooo short. and this sfortune led first wife to begin a trek to buddhist teles, to offer al and tailored silk gowns in honor of buddhas ige, to burn inse and pray to buddha to lengthen her daughters leg. as it happened, buddha chose io bless first wife with another daughter, this oh two perfect legs, but—alas!—with a browain splashed over half her face. with this seisfortune, first wife began to go on so ny pilgriges to tsinan, just a half-days train ride to the south, that wu tsing bought her a house he thousand buddha cliff and bubbling springs baoo grove. and every year he increased the allowance she o nage her own household there. so twice a year, during thldest and hottest nths of the year, she returo tientsin to pay her respects and suffer sight unseen in her husbands household. and each ti she returned, she reined in her bedroo sitting all day like a buddha, sking her opiu talking softly to herself. she did not e downstairs for als. instead she fasted or ate vegetarian als in her roo and wu tsing would ke a d-visit in her bedrooonce a week, drinking tea for half an hour, inquiring about her health. he did not bother her at night.

  this ghost of a won should have caused no suffering tother, but in fact she put ideas into her head. my ther believed she too had suffered enough to deserve her own household, perhaps not in tsinan, but oo the east, in little petaiho, which was a beautiful seaside resort filled with terraces and gardens ahy widows.

  &a;a;a;quot;we are going to live in a house of our o;quot; she toldhappily the day snow fell on the ground all around our house. she was wearing a new silk fur-lined gown the bright turquoislor of kingfisher feathers. &a;a;a;quot;the house will not be as big as this o will be very sll. but welive by ourselves, with yan g and a few other servants. wu tsing has prosed this already.&a;a;a;quot;

  during thldest winter nth, we were all bored, adults and children alike. we did not dare go outside. yan g warnedthatskin would freeze and crato a thousand pieces. and the other servants always gossiped about everyday sights they had seen in town: the back stoops of stores always blocked with the frozen bodies of beggars. man or won, youldnt tell, they were so dusty with a thicver of snow.

  so every day we stayed in the house, thinking of ways to ase ourselves. my ther looked at fn gazines and clipped out pictures of dresses she liked, and then she went downstairs to discuss with the tailor how such a dresuld be de using the terials available.

  i did not like to play with third wifes daughters, who were as docile and dull as their ther. those girls were tent looking out the window all day, watg the sun e up and go down. so instead, yan g and i roasted chestnuts on top of the littlal stove. and burning our fingers while eating these sweet s, we naturally started to giggle and gossip. then i heard the clock g and the sa song began to play. yan g preteo sing badly in the classic opera style ah laughed out loud, reering how sed wife had suerday evening, apanying her quavering voi a three-stringed lute and king ny stakes. she had caused everyoo suffer through this eveai, until wu tsing declared it was enough suffering by falling asleep in his chair. and laughing about this, yan g tolda story about sed wife.

  &a;a;a;quot;twenty years ago, she had been a faus shantung sing-song girl, a won of so respect, especially ang rried n who frequeeahouses. while she had never beey, she was clever, aress. shuld play seve&a;a;lt;cite&a;a;gt;99lib.&a;a;lt;/cite&a;a;gt;ral sical instrunts, sing aales with heartbreaking clarity, and touch her fio her cheek and cross her ti in just the right nner.

  &a;a;a;quot;wu tsing had asked her to be his e, not for love, but because of the prestige of owning what so ny other n wanted. and this sing-song girl, after she had seen his enorus wealth and his feeblended first wife, seo bee his e.

  &a;a;a;quot;frothe start, sed wife knew how to trol wu tsings ney. she knew by the way his face paled at the sound of the wind that he was fearful of ghosts. and everybody knows that suicide is the only way a wonescape a rriage and gain reveo e back as a ghost and scatter tea leaves and good fortune. so when he refused her a bigger allowance, she did pretend-suicide. she ate a piece of raw opiu enough to ke her sick, and the her id to tell wu tsing she was dying. three days later, sed wife had an allowance even bigger than what she had asked.

  &a;a;a;quot;she did so ny pretend-suicides, we servants began to suspect she no longer bothered to eat the opiu her ag otent enough. soon she had a better rooin the house, her own private rickshaw, a house for her elderly parents, a sufor buying blessings at teles.

  &a;a;a;quot;but ohing shuld not have: children. and she knew wu tsing would soon bee anxious to have a son whuld perforthe aral rites and therefuarantee his own spiritual eternity. so before wu tsinuld plain about sed wifes lack of sons, she said: i have already found her, a e suitable to bear your sons. by her very nature, yousee she is a virgin. and this was quite true. as yousee, third wife is quite ugly. she does not even have sll feet.

  &a;a;a;quot;third wife was ourse ied to sed wife fing this, so there wasoverof the household. and even though sed wife did not o lift a finger, she oversaw the purchase of food and supplies, she approved the hiring of servants, she invited relatives oival days. she fou nurses for each of the three daughters third wife bore for wu tsing. and later, when wu tsing was again iatient for a son and began to spend too ch ney in teahouses in other cities, sed wife arra so that your ther beca wu tsings third e and fourth wife!&a;a;a;quot;

  yan g revealed this story in such a natural and lively way that i applauded her clever ending. we tio crack chestnuts open, until uld no longer rein quiet.

  &a;a;a;quot;what did sed wife do sother would rry wu tsing?&a;a;a;quot; i asked tidly.

  &a;a;a;quot;a little child ot uand such things!&a;a;a;quot; shelded.

  i iediately looked down and reined silent, until yan g beca restless again to hear her own voice speak on this quiet afternoon.

  &a;a;a;quot;your ther,&a;a;a;quot; said yan g, as if talking to herself, &a;a;a;quot;is too good for this faly.&a;a;a;quot;

  &a;a;a;quot;five years ago—your father had died only one year before—she and i went to hangchow to visit the six harnies pagoda on the far side of west lake. your father had been a respected scholar and also devoted to the six virtues of buddhisenshrined in this pagoda. so your ther kowtowed in the pagoda, pledging to observe the right harny of body, thoughts, and speech, to refrain frogiving opinions, and to shuh. and when we boarded the boat to cross the lake agai opposite a n and a won. this was wu tsing and sed wife.

  &a;a;a;quot;wu tsing st have seen her beauty iediately. back then your ther had hair down to her waist, which she tied high up on her head. and she had unusual skin, a lustrous pinlor. even in her white widows clothes she was beautiful! but because she was a widow, she was worthless in ny respects. shuld not rerry.

  &a;a;a;quot;but this did not stop sed wife frothinking of a way. she was tired of watg her households ney being washed away in so ny different teahouses. the ney he spent was enough to support five re wives! she was anxious to quiet wu tsings outside appetite. so she spired with wu tsing to lure your ther to his bed.

  &a;a;a;quot;she chatted with your ther, dvered that she plao go to the monastery of the spirits retreat theday. and sed wife showed up at that place as well. and after re friendly talk, she invited your ther to dinner. your ther was so lonely food versation she gladly aepted. and after the dinner, sed wife said to your ther, do you play h jong? oh, it doesnt tter if you play badly. we are only three people nbbr&a;a;gt;..&a;a;lt;/abbr&a;a;gt;ow and ot play at all unless you would be kind enough to join us torrow night.

  &a;a;a;quot;thenight, after a long evening of h jong, sed wife yawned and insistedther spend the night. stay! stay! dont be so polite. no, your politeness is really re inve. why wake the rickshaw boy? said sed wife. look here,bed is certainly big enough for two.

  &a;a;a;quot;as your ther slept soundly in sed wifes bed, sed wife got up in the ddle of the night ahe dark roo and wu tsing took her place. when your ther awoke to find hitoug her beh her undergarnts, she jued out of bed. he grabbed her by her hair and threw her on the floor, then put his foot ohroat and told her to undress. your ther did not screaor cry when he fell on her.

  &a;a;a;quot;in the earlyshe left in a rickshaw, her hair undone and with tears streang down her face. she told no owhat had happened. but sed wife plaio ny people about the shaless ho had ented wu tsing into bed. hould a worthless widow ause a rian of lying?

  &a;a;a;quot;so when wu tsing asked your ther to be his third e, to bear hia son, what choice did she have? she was already as low as a prostitute. and wheuro her brothers house and kowtowed three tis to say good-bye, her brother kicked her, and her own ther banned her frothe faly house forever. that is why you did not see your in until yrandther died. your ther went to live isin, to hide her sha with wu tsings wealth. and three years later, she gave birth to a son, which sed wife claid as her own.

  &a;a;a;quot;and that is how i ca to live in wu tsings house,&a;a;a;quot; cluded yan g proudly.

  and that was how i learhat the baby syaudi was reallythers son,littlest brother.

  in truth, this was a bad thing that yan g had doelling thers story. secrets are kept frochildren, a lid on top of the soup kettle, so they do not boil over with too ch truth.

  after yan g toldthis story, i saw everything. i heard things i had never uood before.

  i saw sed wifes true nature.

  i saw how she often gave fifth wife o go visit her poor village, eng this silly girl to &a;a;a;quot;show your friends and faly how rich youve bee!&a;a;a;quot; and ourse, her visits always rended wu tsing of fifth wifes low-class background and how foolish he had been to be lured by her earthy flesh.

  i saw sed wife koutou to first wife, bowing with deep respect whileher re opiu and i knew why first wifes power had been drained away.

  i saw how fearful third wife beca when sed wife told her stories of old es who were kicked out into the streets. and i knew why third wife watched over sed wifes health and happiness.

  and i sawthers terrible pain as sed wife bounced syaudi on her lap, kissingthers son and telling this baby, &a;a;a;quot;as long as i ayour ther, you will never be poor. you will never be unhappy. you will grow up to own this household and care forinold age.&a;a;a;quot;

  and i knew whyther cried in her rooso often. wu tsings prose of a house—for being the ther of his only son—had disappeared the day sed wifllapsed froanother bout of pretend-suicide. andther knew shuld do nothing t the prose back.

  i suffered so ch after yan g told thers story. i wantedther to shout at wu tsing, to shout at sed wife, to shout at yan g and say she was wrong to tellthese stories. butther did not even have the right to do this. she had no choice.

  two days before the lunar new year, yan g wokewhen it was still black outside.

  &a;a;a;quot;quickly!&a;a;a;quot; she cried, pullingalong beforend and eyeuld work together.

  my thers roowas brightly lit. as soon as i walked in uld see her. i ran to her bed and stood on the footstool. her ar and legs were ving bad forth as she lay on her back. she was like a soldier, rg to nowhere, her head looking right the. and now her whole body beca straight and stiff as if to stretch herself out of her body. her jaulled down and i saw her tongue was swollen and she waughing to try to ke it fall out.

  &a;a;a;quot;wake up!&a;a;a;quot; i whispered, and then i turned and saw everybody standing there: wu tsing, yan g, sed wife, third wife, fifth wife, the doctor.

  &a;a;a;quot;she has taken too ,&a;a;a;quot; cried yan g. &a;a;a;quot;the doctor says hedo nothing. she has poisoned herself.&a;a;a;quot;

  so they were doing nothing, only waiting. i also waited those ny hours.

  the only sounds were that of the girl in the clock playing the violin. and i wao shout to the ake its aningless noise be silent, but i did not.

  i watchedther r her bed. i wao say the words that would quiet her body and spirit. but i stood there like the others, waiting and saying nothing.

  and then i recalled her story about the little turtle, his warning not to cry. and i wao shout to her that it was no use. there were already too ny tears. and i tried to swallow theone by one, but they ca too fast, until finallyclosed lips burst open and i cried and cried, then cried all aiing everybody in the roofeed ontears.

  i fainted with all this grief and they carriedback to yan gs bed. so thatwhilether was dying, i was dreang.

  i was falling frothe sky down to the ground, into a pond. and i beca a little turtle lying at the bottoof this watery place. aboveuld see the beaks of a thousand gpies drinking frothe pond, drinking and singing happily and filling their snow-white bellies. i was g hard, so ny tears, but they drank and drank, so ny of the until i had no re tears left and the pond was ety, everything as dry as sand.

  yan g later told ther had listeo sed wife and tried to do pretend-suicide. false words! lies! she would never listen to this won who caused her so ch suffering.

  i knowther listeo her ow, to no longer pretend. i know this because why else did she die two days before the lunar new year? why else did she plan her death so carefully that it beca a on?

  three days before the lunar new year, she had eaten ywansyau, the sticky sweet duling that everybody eats to celebrate. she ate oer the other. and i reer her strange rerk. &a;a;a;quot;you see how this life is. you ot eat enough of this bitterness.&a;a;a;quot; and what she had done was eat ywansyau filled with a kind of bitter poison, not died seeds or the dull happiness of opiuas yan g and the others had thought. when the poison broke into her body, she whispered tothat she would rather kill her own irit so shuld givea stronger one.

  the stiess g to her body. theuld not reve the poison and so she died, two days before the new year. they laid her on a wooden board in the hallway. she wore funeral clothes far richer than those she had worn in life. silk undergarnts to keep her warwithout the heavy burden of a fuat. a silk gown, sewn with gold thread. a headdress of gold and lapis and jade. and two delicate slippers with the softest leather soles and two giant pearls on each