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waverly jong
i had takenther out to lunch atfavorite ese restaurant in hopes of putting her in a good od, but it was a disaster.
whe at the four dires restaurant, she eyedwith iediate disapproval. &a;a;a;quot;ai-ya! whats the tter with your hair?&a;a;a;quot; she said in ese.
&a;a;a;quot;what do you an, whats the tter, &a;a;a;quot; i said. &a;a;a;quot;i had it cut.&a;a;a;quot; mr. rory had styledhair differently this ti, an asyetrical blunt-line frihat was shorter on the left side. it was fashionable, yet not radically so.
&a;a;a;quot;looks chopped off,&a;a;a;quot; she said. &a;a;a;quot;you st ask for your ney back.&a;a;a;quot;
i sighed. &a;a;a;quot;lets just have a nice lunch together, okay?&a;a;a;quot;
she wore her tight-lipped, pinched-nose look as she sed the nu, ttering, &a;a;a;quot;not too ny good things, this nu.&a;a;a;quot; theapped the waiters ar wiped the length of her chopsticks with her finger, and sniffed: &a;a;a;quot;this greasy thing, do you expectto eat with it?&a;a;a;quot; she de a show of washing out her rice bowl with hot tea, and then warher restaurant patroed near us to do the sa. she told the waiter to ke sure the soup was very hot, and ourse, it was by her tongues expert estite &a;a;a;quot;not even lukewar&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;you should so upset,&a;a;a;quot; i said tother after she disputed a charge of two extra dollars because she had specified chrysanthetea, instead of the regular green tea. &a;a;a;quot;besides, unnecessary stress isnt good for your heart.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;nothing is wrong withheart,&a;a;a;quot; she huffed as she kept a disparaging eye on the waiter.
and she was right. despite all the tension she places on herself—and others—the doctors have proclaid thatther, at age sixty-nine, has the blood pressure of a sixteen-year-old and the strength of a horse. and thats what she is. a horse, born in 1918, destio be obstinate and frank to the point of tactlessness. she and i ke a bad bination, because ia rabbit, born in 1951, supposedly sensitive, with tendeoward being thin-skinned and skittery at the first sign of criticis
after our serable lunch, i gave up the idea that there would ever be a good ti to tell her the news: that rich schields and i were getting rried.
&a;a;a;quot;why are you so nervous?&a;a;a;quot;friend marlene ferber had asked over the phohe ht. &a;a;a;quot;its not as if rich is the scuof the earth. hes a tax attorney like you, for chrissake. howshe criticize that?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;you dont knowther,&a;a;a;quot; i said. &a;a;a;quot;she hinks anybody is good enough for anything.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;so elope with the guy,&a;a;a;quot; said marlene.
&a;a;a;quot;thats what i did with marvin.&a;a;a;quot; marvin wasfirst husband,high school sweetheart.
&a;a;a;quot;so there you go,&a;a;a;quot; said marlene.
&a;a;a;quot;so whenther found out, she threw her shoe at us,&a;a;a;quot; i said. &a;a;a;quot;and that was just for openers.&a;a;a;quot;
my ther had never t rich. in fact, every ti i brought up his na—when i said, for instahat rid i had goo the syhony, that rich had takenfour-year-old daughter, shoshana, to the zoo— ther found a way to ge the subject.
&a;a;a;quot;did i tell you,&a;a;a;quot; i said as we waited for the lunch bill at four dires, &a;a;a;quot;what a great ti shoshana had with rich at the exploratoriu he—&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;oh,&a;a;a;quot; interruptedther, &a;a;a;quot;i didnt tell you. your father, doctors say ybe need exploratory surgery. but no, now they say everything norl, just too ch stipated.&a;a;a;quot; i gave up. and then we did the usual routine.
i paid for the bill, with a ten and three ones. my ther pulled back the dollar bills and ted out exact ge, thirtees, and put that oray instead, explaining firy: &a;a;a;quot;no tip!&a;a;a;quot; she tossed her head back with a triuhant sle. and whilether used the restroo i slipped the waiter a five-dollar bill. he owith deep uanding. while she was gone, i devised another plan.
&a;a;a;quot;choszle!&a;a;a;quot;—stinks to death in there!—tteredther wheurned. she nudgedwith a little travel package of kleenex. she did not trust other peoples toilet paper. &a;a;a;quot;do you o use?&a;a;a;quot;
i shookhead. &a;a;a;quot;but before i drop you off, lets stop atplace real quick. theres sothing i want to show you.&a;a;a;quot;
my ther had not been toapartnt in nths. when i was first rried, she used to drop by unannounced, until one day i suggested she should call ahead of ti. ever sihen, she has refused to e unless i issue an official invitation.
and so i watched her, seeing her rea to the ges inapartnt—frothe pristine habitat i intained after the divorce, when all of a sudden i had too ch ti to keeplife in order—to this present chaos, a ho full of life and love. the hallway floor was littered with shoshanas toys, all bright plastic things with scattered parts. there was a set of richs barbells in the living roo two dirty snifters on thffee table, the diseoweled reins of a phohat shoshana and rich took apart the other day to see where the voices ca fro
&a;a;a;quot;its back here,&a;a;a;quot; i said. we kept walking, all the way to the back bedroo the bed was unde, dresser drawers were hanging out with socks and ties spilling over. my ther stepped over running shoes, re of shoshanas toys, richs black loafers,scarves, a stack of white shirts just back frothe ers.
her look was one of painful denial, rendingof a ti long ago wheookbrothers anddown to a ic to get our polio booster shots. as the needle went intobrothers arand he scread,ther looked atwith agony written all over her fad assured , &a;a;a;quot; one doesnt hurt.&a;a;a;quot;
but now, houldther not notice that we were living together, that this was serious and would not go away even if she didnt talk about it? she had to say sothing.
i went to the closet and then ca back with a nk jacket that rich had givenfor christs. it was the st extravagant gift i had ever received.
i put the jacket on. &a;a;a;quot;its sort of a silly present,&a;a;a;quot; i said nervously. &a;a;a;quot;its hardly eveld enough in san franc to wear nk. but it see to be a fad, eople are buying their wives and girlfriends these days.&a;a;a;quot;
my ther was quiet. she was looking towardopen closet, bulging with racks of shoes, ties,dresses, and richs suits. she ran her fingers over the nk.
&a;a;a;quot;this is not so good,&a;a;a;quot; she said at last. &a;a;a;quot;it is just leftover strips. and the fur is too short, no long hairs.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;howyou criticize a gift!&a;a;a;quot; i protested. i was deeply wounded. &a;a;a;quot;he gavethis frohis heart.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;that is why i worry,&a;a;a;quot; she said.
and looking at that in the rror, uldnt fend off the strength of her will anyre, her ability to kesee black where there was once white, white where there was once black. that looked shabby, an itation of ronce.
&a;a;a;quot;arent you going to say anything else?&a;a;a;quot; i asked softly.
&a;a;a;quot;what i should say?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;about the apartnt? about this?&a;a;a;quot; i gestured to all the signs of rich lying about.
she looked around the roo toward the hall, and finally she said, &a;a;a;quot;you have career. you are busy. you want to live like ss what isay?&a;a;a;quot;
my ther knows how to hit a nerve. and the pain i feel is worse than any other kind of sery. because what she does always es as a shock, exactly like aric jolt, that grounds itself perly inry. i still reer the first ti i felt it.
i was ten years old. even though i was young, i knewability to play chess was a gift. it was effortless, so easy. uld see things on the chessboard that other peopluld not. uld create barriers to protect self that were invisible tooppos. and this gift gavesupre fidence. i knew whatoppos would do, ve for ve. i k exactly oint their faces would fall whenseengly sile and childlike strategy would reveal itself as a devastating and irrevocablurse. i loved to win.
andther loved to showoff, like one ofny trophies she polished. she used to discussgas as if she had devised the strategies.
&a;a;a;quot;i tolddaughter, use your horses to ruhe ene,&a;a;a;quot; she inford one shopkeeper. &a;a;a;quot;she won very quickly this way.&a;a;a;quot; and ourse, she had said this before the ga—that and a huher useless things that had nothing to do withwinning.
to our faly friends who visited she would fide, &a;a;a;quot;you dont have to be so srt to win chess. it is just tricks. you blow frothe north, south, east, a. the other person bees fused. they dont know which way to run.&a;a;a;quot;
i hated the way she tried to take all the credit. and one day i told her so, shouting at her on sto street, in the ddle of a crowd of people. i told her she didnt know anything, so she shouldnt show off. she should shut up. words to that effect.
that evening and theday she wouldnt speak to . she would say stiff words tofather and brothers, as if i had bee invisible and she was talking about a rotten fish she had thrown away but which had left behind its bad sll.
i khis strategy, the sneaky way to get sooo pounce ba anger and fall into a trap. so i ignored her. i refused to speak and waited for her to e to .
after ny days had gone by in silence, i sat inroo staring at the sixty-four squares ofchessboard, trying to think of another way. and thats when i decided to quit playing chess.
ourse i dido quit forever. at st, just for a few days. and i de a show of it. instead of practig inrooevery night, as i always did, i rched into the living rooand sat down in front of the televisio withbrothers, who stared at , an uruder. i usedbrothers to furtherplan; i crackedknuckles to annoy the
&a;a;a;quot;ma!&a;a;a;quot; they shouted. &a;a;a;quot;make her stop. make her go away.&a;a;a;quot;
butther did not say anything.
still i was not worried. but uld see i would have to ke a stronger ve. i decided to sacrifice a tourhat was ing up in one week. i would refuse to play in it. andther would certainly have to speak toabout this. because the sponsors and the benevolent associations would start calling her, asking, shouting, pleading to keplay again.
and theour ca a. and she did o , g, &a;a;a;quot;why are you not playing chess?&a;a;a;quot; but i was g inside, because i learhat a boy whoi had easily defeated on two other oasions had won.
i realizedther knew re tricks than i had thought. but now i was tired of her ga. i wao start practig for the our. so i decided to pretend to let her win. i would be the oo speak first.
&a;a;a;quot;i aready to play chess again,&a;a;a;quot; i annouo her. i had igined she would sle and then askecial thing i wao eat.
but instead, she gathered her fato a frown and stared intoeyes, as if shuld fore kind of truth out of .
&a;a;a;quot;why do you tellthis?&a;a;a;quot; she finally said in sharp tones. &a;a;a;quot;you think it is so easy. one day quit,day play. everything for you is this way. so srt, so easy, so fast.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;i said ill play,&a;a;a;quot; i whined.
&a;a;a;quot;no!&a;a;a;quot; she shouted, and i alst jued out ofscalp. &a;a;a;quot;it is not so easy anyre.&a;a;a;quot;
i was quivering, stunned by what she said, in not knowing what she ant. and then i went bay roo i stared atchessboard, its sixty-four squares, to figure out how to undo this terrible ss. and after staring like this for ny hours, i actually believed that i had de the white squares blad the black squares white, and everything would be all right.
and sure enough, i won her back. that night i developed a high fever, and she sat obed,ldingfoing to school withoutsweater. in the she was there as well, feedingrice pe flavored with chi broth she had strained herself. she said she was feedihis because i had the chi pox and one chi knew how to fight another. and iernoon, she sat in a chair inroo knittinga pink sweater while tellingabout a sweater that auntie suyuan had knit for her daughter june, and how it was st unattractive and of the worst yarn. i was so happy that she had bee her usual self.
but after i got well, i dvered that, really,ther had ged. she no longer hovered overas i practiced different chess gas. she did not polishtrophies every day. she did not cut out the sll ethat ntioned was as if she had erected an invisible wall and i was secretly groping each day to see how high and how wide it was.
atour, while i had done well overall, in the end the points were not enough. i lost. and what was worse,ther said nothing. she seed to walk around with this satisfied look, as if it had happened because she had devised this strategy.
i was horrified. i spent ny hours every day going over innd what i had lost. i k was not just the last tour. i exaned every ve, every piece, every square. and uld no longer see the secret ons of each piece, the gic withierse of each square. uld see onlystakes,weaknesses. it was as though i had lostgic arr. and everyboduld see this, where it was easy to attack .
over thefew weeks and later nths and years, i tio play, but never with that sa feeling of supre fidence. i fought hard, with fear and desperation. when i won, i was grateful, relieved. and when i lost, i was filled with growing dread, and then terror that i was no longer a prodigy, that i had lost the gift and had turned into soone quite ordinary.
when i lost twice to the boy whoi had defeated so easily a few years before, i stopped playing chess altogether. and nobody protested. i was fourteen.
&a;a;a;quot;you know, i really dont uand you,&a;a;a;quot; said marlene when i called her the night after i had shownther the nk jacket. &a;a;a;quot;youtell the irs to piss up a rope, but you t stand up to your own ther.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;i always io and then she says these little sneaky things, ske bos and little barbs, and…&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;why dont you tell her to stop t you,&a;a;a;quot; said marlene. &a;a;a;quot;tell her to stop ruining your life. tell her to shut up.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;thats hilarious,&a;a;a;quot; i said with a half-laugh. &a;a;a;quot;you wao tellther to shut up?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;sure, why not?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;well, i dont know if its explicitly stated in the law, but you t ever tell a ese ther to shut up. yould be charged as an aessory to your own rder.&a;a;a;quot;
i wasnt so ch afraid ofther as i was afraid for rich. i already knew what she would do, how she would attack hi how she would criticize hi she would be quiet at first. then she would say a word about sothing sll, sothing she had noticed, and then another word, and another, eae flung out like a little piece of sand, one frothis dire, another frobehind, re and re, until his looks, his character, his soul would have eroded away. and even if i reized her strategy, her sneak attack, i was afraid that so unseen speck of truth would fly intoeye, blur what i was seeing and transforhifrothe divine n i thought he was into soone quite ndane, rtally wounded with tireso habits and irritating ierfes.
this happeofirst rriage, to marvin , with whoi had eloped when i was eighteen and he was een. when i was in love with marvin, he was nearly perfect. he graduated third in his class at lowell and got a full scholarship to stanford. he played tennis. he had bulging calf scles and one hundred forty-six straight black hairs on his chest. he de everyone laugh and his own laugh was deep, sonorous, sely sexy. he prided hielf on having favorite love positions for different days and hours of the week; all he had to whisper was &a;a;a;quot;wednesday afternoon&a;a;a;quot; and id shiver.
but by the tither had had her say about hi i saw his brain had shrunk frolaziness, so that now it was good only for thinking up excuses. he chased golf and tennis balls to run away frofaly responsibilities. his eye wandered up and down irls legs, so he didnt know how to drive straight ho anyre. he liked to tell big jokes to ke other people feel little. he de a loud show of leaving ten-dollar tips ters but was stingy with presents to faly. he thought waxing his red sports car all afternoon was re iortant t&a;a;lt;dfn&a;a;gt;&a;a;lt;/dfn&a;a;gt;han taking his wife sowhere in it.
my feelings for marvin never reached the level of hate. no, it was worse in a way. it went frodisappoio pt to apathetic boredo it wasnt until after we separated, on nights when shoshana was asleep and i was lonely, that i wondered if perhapsther had poisonedrriage.
thank god, her poison didnt affectdaughter, shoshana. i alst aborted her, though. when i found out i regnant, i was furious. i secretly referred topregnancy as&a;a;a;quot;growint,&a;a;a;quot; and i dragged marvin down to the ic so he would have to suffer through this too. it turned out we went to the wrong kind of ic. they de us watch a fil a terrible bit of puritanical brainwash. i saw those little things, babies they called theeven at s&a;a;lt;var&a;a;gt;藏书网&a;a;lt;/var&a;a;gt;even weeks, and they had tiny, tiny fingers. and the filsaid that the babys translut fingeruld ve, that we should igiheging for life, grasping for a ce, this racle of life. if they had shown anything else except tiny fingers—so thank god they did. because shoshana really was a racle. she erfect. i found every detail about her to be rerkable, especially the way she flexed and curled her fingers. frothe very nt she flung her fist away froher uth to cry, i knewfeelings for her were inviolable.
but i worried for rich. because i knewfeelings for hiwere vulnerable to being felled bythers suspis, passing rerks, and innuendos. and i was afraid of what i would then lose, because rich schields adoredin the sa way i adored shoshana. his love was unequivocal. nothinuld ge it. he expected nothing fro;re existence was enough. and at the sa ti, he said that he had ged—for the better—because of . he was earrassingly rontic; he insisted he never was until he t . and this fession de his rontic gestures all the re ennobling. at work, for exale, when he would staple &a;a;a;quot;fyi—for your infortion&a;a;a;quot; o legal briefs anrporate returns that i had to review, he sigheat the botto &a;a;a;quot;fyi—forever you &a;a;a;a; i.&a;a;a;quot; the firdidnt know about our relationship, and so that kind of reckless behavior on his part thrilled .
the sexual chestry was what really surprised , though. i thought hed be one of those quiet types who was awkwardly gentle and cluy, the kind of ld-nnered guy who says, &a;a;a;quot;ai hurting you?&a;a;a;quot; when i t feel a thing. but he was so attuoevery vent i was sure he was readingnd. he had no inhibitions, and whatever ones he dvered i had hed pry away fro like little treasures. he saw all those private aspee—and i an not just sexual private parts, butdarker side,anness,pettiness,self-loathing—all the things i kept hidden. so that with hii letely naked, and when i was, when i was feeling the st vulnerable—when the wrong word would have sentflying out the door forever—he always said exactly the right thing at the right nt. he didnt allowtver self up. he would grabhands, lookstraight in the eye and tellsothing new about why he loved .
id never known love so pure, and i was afraid that it would bee sullied byther. so i tried to store every one of these endearnts about riry, and i plao call upon theagaihe ti was necessary.
after ch thought, i ca up with a brilliant plan. cted a way for rieetther and win her over. in fact, i arra sother would want tok a al especially for hi i had so help froauntie suyuan. auntie su wasthers friend froway back. they were very close, which ant they were ceaselessly tornting each other with boasts as. and i gave auntie su a secret to boast about.
after walking through north beae sunday, i suggested to rich that we stop by for a surprise visit toauntie su and uncle ing. they lived on leavenworth, just a few blocks west ofthers apartnt. it was late afternoon, just in ti to ca&a;a;lt;dfn&a;a;gt;.９9lib?&a;a;lt;/dfn&a;a;gt;tch auntie su preparing sunday dinner.
&a;a;a;quot;stay! stay!&a;a;a;quot; she had insisted.
&a;a;a;quot;no, no. its just that we were walking by,&a;a;a;quot; i said.
&a;a;a;quot;alreadoked enough for you. see? one soup, four dishes. you do it, only have to throw it away. wasted!&a;a;a;quot;
hould we refuse? three days later, auntie suyuan had a thank-you letter frorid . &a;a;a;quot;rich said it was the best ese food he has ever tasted,&a;a;a;quot; i wrote.
and theday,ther called , to inviteto a belated birthday dinner forfather. my brother vi was bringing his girlfriend, lisa lu uld bring a friend, too.
i knew she would do this, becausoking was howther expressed her love, her pride, her power, her proof that she knew re than auntie su. &a;a;a;quot;just be sure to tell her later that heoking was the best you ever tasted, that it was far better than auntie sus,&a;a;a;quot; i told rich. &a;a;a;quot;believe .&a;a;a;quot;
the night of the dinner, i sat i watg heok, waiting for the right nt to tell her about our rriage plans, that we had decided to get rriedjuly, about seven nths away. she was chopping eggplant into wedges, chattering at the sa ti about auntie suyuan: &a;a;a;quot;sheonlok looking at a recipe. my instrus are infingers. i know what secret ingredients to put in just by usingnose!&a;a;a;quot; and she was slig with such a ferocity, seengly iive to her sharp cleaver, that i was afraid her fiips would bee one of the ingredients of the reoked eggplant and shredded pork dish.
i was hoping she would say sothing first about rich. i had seen her expression when she opehe door, her forced sle as she scrutinized hifrohead to toe, cheg her appraisal of hiagainst that already given to her by auntie suyuan. i tried to anticipate what criticis she would have.
rich was not only not ese, he was a few years youhan i was. and unfortunately, he looked ch younger with his curly red hair, soth pale skin, and the splash e freckles across his nose. he was a bit on the short side, pactly built. in his dark business suits, he lookedeasily fettable, like sobodysa funeral. which was why i didnt notice hithe first year we worked together at the fir butther noticed everything.
&a;a;a;quot;so what do you think of rich?&a;a;a;quot; i finally asked, holdingbreath.
she tossed the eggplant i oil and it de a loud, angry hissing sound. &a;a;a;quot;so ny spots on his face,&a;a;a;quot; she said.
uld feel the pinpriy back. &a;a;a;quot;theyre freckles. freckles are good luck, you kno;quot; i said a bit too heatedly in trying to raisevoice above the din of the kit.
&a;a;a;quot;oh?&a;a;a;quot; she said ily.
&a;a;a;quot;yes, the re spots the better. everybody knows that.&a;a;a;quot;
she sidered this a &a;a;lt;big&a;a;gt;&a;a;lt;/big&a;a;gt;nt and then sled and spoke in ese: &a;a;a;quot;maybe this is true. when you were young, you got the chi pox. so ny spots, you had to stay ho for ten days. so lucky, you thought.&a;a;a;quot;
uldnt save ri the kit. and uldnt save hilater at the diable.
he had brought a bottle of french wine, sothing he did not knowparentuld not appreciate. my parents did not even own wineglasses. and then he also de the stake of drinking not o two frosted glasses full, while everybody else had a half-inch &a;a;a;quot;just for taste.&a;a;a;quot;
when i offered rich a fork, he insisted on using the slippery ivory chopsticks. he held thesplayed like the knoeed legs of an ostrich while pig up a large k of saucated eggplant. halfway between his plate and his open uth, the k fell on his crisp white shirt and then slid into his crotch. it took several o get shoshana to stop shrieking with laughter.
and then he had helped hielf to big portions of the shri and snow peas, not realizing he should have taken only a polite spoonful, until everybody had had a rsel.
he had deed the saut閑d new greens, the tender and expensive leaves of bean plants plucked before the sprouts turn into beans. and shoshana refused to eat thealso, pointing to rich: &a;a;a;quot;he didhe he didhe&a;a;a;quot;
he thought he was being polite by refusing seds, when he should have followedfathers exale, who de a big show of taking sll portions of seds, thirds, and even fourths, always saying huld not resist another bite of sothing or other, and then groaning that he was so full he thought he would burst.
but the worst was when rich criticizedtheroking, and he didnt even know what he had done. as is the esoks y ther always de disparaging rerks about her owoking. that night she chose to direct it toward her faus stead pork and preserved vegetable dish, which she always served with special pride.
&a;a;a;quot;ai! this dish not salty enough, no flavor,&a;a;a;quot; she plained, after tasting a sll bite. &a;a;a;quot;it is too bad to eat.&a;a;a;quot;
this was our falys cue to eat so and proclaiit the best she had ever de. but before wuld do so, rich said, &a;a;a;quot;you know, all it needs is a little soy sauce.&a;a;a;quot; and he proceeded to pour a riverful of the salty black stuff on the platter, right beforethers horrified eyes.
and even though i was hoping throughout the dihatther would sohow see richs kindness, his sense of hur and boyish char i knew he had failed serably in her eyes.
rich obviously had had a different opinion on how the evening had gone. whe ho that night, after we put shoshana to bed, he said destly, &a;a;a;quot;well. i thi it off a-o-kay.&a;a;a;quot; he had the look of a daltian, panting, loyal, waiting to be petted.
&a;a;a;quot;uh-h,&a;a;a;quot; i said. i utting on an old nightgown, a hint that i was not feeling arous. i was still shuddering, reering how rich had firy shaken bothparents hands with that sa easy faliarity he used with nervous s. &a;a;a;quot;linda, ti&a;a;a;quot; he said, &a;a;a;quot;well see you again soon, isure.&a;a;a;quot; my parents nas are lindo and tin jong, and nobody, except a few older faly friends, ever calls theby their first nas.
&a;a;a;quot;so what did she say when you told her?&a;a;a;quot; and i knew he was referriing rried. i had told rich earlier that i would tellther first a her break the ofather.
&a;a;a;quot;i never had a ce,&a;a;a;quot; i said, which was true. hould i have toldther i was getting rried, when at every possible nt we were alone, she seed to rerk on how ch expensive wine rich liked to drink, or how pale and ill he looked, or how sad shoshana seed to be.
rich was sling. &a;a;a;quot;how long does it take to say, mo dad, igetting rried?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;you dont uand. you dont uandther&a;a;lt;cite&a;a;gt;&a;a;lt;/cite&a;a;gt;.&a;a;a;quot;
rich shook his head. &a;a;a;quot;whew! yousay that again. her english was so bad. you know, when she was talking about that dead guy showing up on dynasty, i thought she was talking about sothing that happened in a a long ti ago.&a;a;a;quot;
that night, after the dinner, i lay iense. i was despairing over this latest failure, de worse by the fact that rich seed blind to it all. he looked so pathetic. so pathetic, those words! my ther was doing it again, kingsee black where i once saw white. in her hands, i always beca the pawn. uld only run away. and she was the queen, able to ve in all dires, relentless in her pursuit, always able to findweakest spots.
i woke up late, with teeth ched and every nerve on edge. rich was already up, showered, and reading the sunday paper. &a;a;a;quot;m, doll,&a;a;a;quot; he said between noisy nches of flakes. i put onjogging clothes and headed out the dot into the car, and drove toparents apartnt.
marlene was right. i had to tellther—that i knew what she was doing, her scheng ways of kingserable. by the ti i arrived, i had enough ao fend off a thousand flying cleavers.
my father opehe door and looked surprised to see . &a;a;a;quot;wheres ma?&a;a;a;quot; i asked, trying to keepbreath even. he gestured to the living rooin back.
i found her sleeping soundly on the sofa. the back of her head was resting on a white eroidered doily. her uth was slad all the lines in her face were gone. with her soth face, she looked like a young girl, frail, guileless, and i. one arhung lily down the side of the sofa. her chest was still. all her strength was gone. she had no ons, no dens surrounding her. she looked powerless. defeated.
and then i was seized with a fear that she looked like this because she was dead. she had died when i was having terrible thoughts about her. i had wished her out oflife, and she had acquiesced, floating out of her body to escapeterrible hatred.
&a;a;a;quot;ma!&a;a;a;quot; i said sharply. &a;a;a;quot;ma!&a;a;a;quot; i whined, starting to cry.
and her eyes slowly opened. she blinked. her hands ved with life. &a;a;a;quot;shea? meii-ah? is that you?&a;a;a;quot;
i eechless. she had not calledmeii,childhood na, in ny years. she sat up and the lines in her face returned, only now they seed less harsh, soft creases of worry. &a;a;a;quot;why are you here? why are y? sothing has happened!&a;a;a;quot;
i didnt know what to do or say. in a tter of seds, it seed, i had gone frobeing angered by her strength, to being azed by her innoce, and then frightened by her vulnerability. and now i felt nu, strangely weak, as if soone had unpluggedand the current running throughhad stopped.
&a;a;a;quot;nothings happened. nothings the tter. i dont know why ihere,&a;a;a;quot; i said in a hoarse voice. &a;a;a;quot;i wao talk to you….i wao tell you…rid i are getting rried.&a;a;a;quot;
i squeezedeyes shut, waiting to hear her protests, her lants, the dry voice delivering so sort of painful verdict.
&a;a;a;quot;jrdaule&a;a;a;quot;—i already know this—she said, as if to ask why i was tellihis again.
&a;a;a;quot;you kno;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;ourse. even if you didnt tell ,&a;a;a;quot; she said sily.
this was worse than i had igined. she had known all along, when she criticized the nk jacket, when she belittled his freckles and plained about his drinking habits. she disapproved of hi &a;a;a;quot;i know you hate hi&a;a;a;quot; i said in a quavering voice. &a;a;a;quot;i know you think hes not good enough, but i…&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;hate? why do you think i hate your future husband?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;you never want to talk about hi the other day, when i started to tell you about hiand shoshana at the exploratoriu you…you ged the subject…you started talking about dads exploratory surgery and then…&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;what is re iortant, explore fun or explore siess?&a;a;a;quot;
i wasnt going to let her escape this ti. &a;a;a;quot;and then when you t hi you said he had spots on his face.&a;a;a;quot;
she looked at , puzzled. &a;a;a;quot;is this not true?&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;yes, but, you said it just to be an, to hurt , to…&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;ai-ya, why do you think these bad things about ?&a;a;a;quot; her face looked old and full of sorro;quot;so you think your ther is this bad. you think i have a secret aning. but it is you who has this aning. ai-ya! she thinks i athis bad!&a;a;a;quot; she sat straight and proud on the sofa, her uth claed tight, her hands clasped together, her eyes sparkling with angry tears.
oh, her strength! her weakness!—both pullingapart. my nd was flying one way,heart another. i sat down on the sofa o her, the two of us stri by the other.
i felt as if i had lost a battle, but ohat i didnt know i had been fighting. i was weary. &a;a;a;quot;igoing ho,&a;a;a;quot; i finally said. &a;a;a;quot;inot feeling too ght no;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;you have bee ill?&a;a;a;quot; she rred, putting her hand onforehead.
&a;a;a;quot;no,&a;a;a;quot; i said. i wao leave. &a;a;a;quot;i…i just dont know whats insideright no;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;then i will tell you,&a;a;a;quot; she said sily. and i stared at her. &a;a;a;quot;half of everything inside you,&a;a;a;quot; she explained in ese, &a;a;a;quot;is froyour fathers side. this is natural. they are the jong , tonese people. good, ho people. although sotis they are bad-teered and stingy. you know this froyour father, how hebe unless i rend hi&a;a;a;quot;
and i was thinking to self, why is she tellihis? what does this have to do with anything? butther tio speak, sling broadly, sweeping her hand. &a;a;a;quot;and half of everything inside you is fro, your thers side, frothe sunin taiyuan.&a;a;a;quot; she wrote the characters out on the back of an envelope, fetting that i ot read ese.
&a;a;a;quot;we are a srt people, very strong, tricky, and faus for winning wars. you know sun yat-sen, hah?&a;a;a;quot;
i nodded.
&a;a;a;quot;he is frothe sun . but his faly ved to the south uries ago, so he is ly the sa . my faly has always live in taiyuan, frobefore the days of even sun wei. do you know sun wei?&a;a;a;quot;
i shookhead. and although i still didnt know where this versation was going, i felt soothed. it seed like the first ti we had had an alst norl versation.
&a;a;a;quot;he went to battle with genghis khan. and when the mongol soldiers shot at sun weis warriors—heh!—their arrows bounced off the shields like rain on stone. sun wei had de a kind of arnghis khan believed it was gic!&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;genghis khan st have ied so gic arrows, then,&a;a;a;quot; i said. &a;a;a;quot;after all, he quered a.&a;a;a;quot;
my ther acted as if she hadnt heardright. &a;a;a;quot;this is true, we always know how to win. so now you know what is inside you, alst all good stuff frotaiyuan.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;i guess weve evolved to just winning ioy aronics rket,&a;a;a;quot; i said.
&a;a;a;quot;how do you know this?&a;a;a;quot; she asked eagerly.
&a;a;a;quot;you see it ohing. made in taiwan.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;ai!&a;a;a;quot; she cried loudly. &a;a;a;quot;inot frotaiwan!&a;a;a;quot;
and just like that, the fragile e we were starting to build snapped.
&a;a;a;quot;i was born in a, in taiyuan,&a;a;a;quot; she said. &a;a;a;quot;taiwan is not a.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;well, i only thought you said taiwan because it sounds the sa,&a;a;a;quot; i argued, irritated that she set by su uional stake.
&a;a;a;quot;sound is pletely different! try is pletely different!&a;a;a;quot; she said in a huff. &a;a;a;quot;people there only dreathat it is a, because if you are ese you ever let go of a in your nd.&a;a;a;quot;
we sank into silence, a stalete. and then her eyes lighted up. &a;a;a;quot;now listen. youalso say the na of taiyuan is bing. everyone frothat city calls it that. easier for you to say. bing, it is a nia.&a;a;a;quot;
she wrote down the character, and i nodded as if this de everything perfectly clear. &a;a;a;quot;the sa as here,&a;a;a;quot; she added in english. &a;a;a;quot;you call apple for new york. fr for san franp;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;nobody calls san franc that!&a;a;a;quot; i said, laughing. &a;a;a;quot;people who call it that dont know aer.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;now you uandaning,&a;a;a;quot; saidther triuhantly.
i sled.
and really, i did uand finally. not what she had just said. but what had been true all along.
i saw what i had been fighting for: it was for , a scared child, who had run away a long ti ago to what i had igined was a safer place. and hiding in this place, behindinvisible barriers, i knew what lay oher side: her side attacks. her secret ons. her uny ability to findweakest spots. but in the brief instant that i had peered over the barriers uld finally see what was really there: an old won, a wok for her arr, a knitting needle for her swetting a little crabby as she waited patiently for her daughter to invite her in.
rid i have decided to postpone our wedding. my ther says july is not a good ti to go to a on our honeyon. she knows this because she andfather have just returned froa trip to beijing and taiyuan.
&a;a;a;quot;it is too hot in the suer. you will only grow re spots and then your whole face will bee red!&a;a;a;quot; she tells rich. and rich grins, gestures his thu towardther, and says to , &a;a;a;quot; you believe what es out of her uth? now i know where you get your sweet, tactful nature.&a;a;a;quot;
&a;a;a;quot;you st go in october. that is the best ti. not too hot, not told. i athinking of going back then too,&a;a;a;quot; she says authoritatively. and then she hastily adds: &a;a;a;quot;ourse not with you!&a;a;a;quot;
i laugh nervously, and rich jokes: &a;a;a;quot;thatd be great, lindo. yould translate all the nus for us, ke sure were ing snakes s by stake.&a;a;a;quot; i alst kick hi
&a;a;a;quot;no, this is notaning,&a;a;a;quot; insiststher. &a;a;a;quot;really, i anot asking.&a;a;a;quot;
and i know what she really ans. she would love to go to a with us. and i would hate it. three weeks worth of her plaining about dirty chopsticks anld soup, three als a day—well, it would be a disaster.
yet part ofalso thinks the whole idea kes perfect sehe three of us, leaving our differences behind, stepping on the plaogether, sitting side by side, lifting off, vio reach the east.
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